By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Aries: Like a true fire sign, you will burn if you do not forward this message to everyone on your contacts list. As in, you will get a sunburn with embarrassing tan lines because you will fall asleep on the beach with your book on your tummy.
Taurus: Co-star says Tauri “just [want] to cuddle.” But if you don’t forward this message, all the cuddles you’ll give your Squishmallows will feel just a tiny bit off for the next 7 years.
Gemini: You’re such a little social butterfly, aren’t you? Well, if you don’t forward this message, your coworkers will start hitting reply all on emails that definitely don’t need to be sent to everyone. Hope you have fun with all the extra people in your inbox!
Cancer: I hope this won’t make you too crabby, but if you don’t forward this message, your hands will get a little clammy every time you try to open a jar for the rest of your life. Wouldn’t that be annoying when you’re in a pinch!
Leo: Leo, Leo, Leo . . . You know what to do, just share this message with 10 friends! It’s that easy. But if you don’t, you will run out of toilet paper in every public bathroom you use for the next month.
Virgo: Did you know your sign is “historically represented by the goddess of wheat and agriculture?” You know what this means, right? That’s correct. If you don’t forward this message, every loaf of bread you buy for the next year will be a little bit stale.
Libra: It just now occurred to me that Libra rhymes with zebra. What does that have to do with anything? Well, if you don’t send this to 7 friends, all the shirts in your closet will develop stripes overnight.
Scorpio: Are you looking for a new place to direct your passion? Consider forwarding email chains as your new hobby! After all, if you don’t, you will accidentally step on something wet while you’re wearing socks.
Sagittarius: Please show a little compassion and share this with all your chosen family. I would not like to alarm you, but if you don’t, you will hit snooze in your sleep and be late for class this week.
Capricorn: Capricorn, you would be the GOAT if you sent this to your grandmother, who learned how to use social media just last week. I’m not quite sure what will happen if you don’t oblige, but I have a feeling it would be baaaaaad (get it?).
Aquarius: You probably think you’re so clever. Riddle me this, then. Who’s going to constantly find themselves stuck behind slow walkers taking up the entire sidewalk for the next three months if they don’t share this with at least 11 friends? That’s right, it’s you!
Pisces: Justin Bieber is a Pisces, and baby, baby, baby, you can make one of your besties feel like one less lonely girl by forwarding this to her. If you don’t, there’s a chance you’ll be transported to a 2010 Belieber’s bedroom, complete with a cardboard cutout and an assortment of Bieber-themed pillows.
