By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor

Deeeeeear friend (because student just sounds so . . . stiff!), 

OMG! Happy March, students! [Insert relevant and cute joke about the passage of time to relate to the students.] Besties, we are so sorry that you are struggling with allergies, papers, assignments, the whole sha-bam. Here at SFU, we are so very pleased to announce this very special student update we’ve been working so very hard on. I think you’ll agree that we have truly slayed.

THE MOST IMPORTANT UPDATE:

SFU Board (I know, I’m bored, too!) unanimously agrees to print assignments and syllabi in pastel

After several months of deliberations, we are SO proud to tell you that the Board has voted in favour of printing all of your assignments and syllabi in aesthetically pleasing pastel colours. We really think this will cure your seasonal depression — if you just believe — and we congratulate every member of the Board, especially the student representative, [insert random student name here], for pushing this motion forward. 

For this, we will be adding a meagre “bestie” fee to your student tuition! Just an extra $250 for every student, for the printing costs and our heartfelt thoughts and gratitude. LOVE YOU!

ANNOUNCEMENTS AS GRAND AS THE NEXT CELEBRITY TOUR:

New aesthetic for our Pinterest board

Students will be pleased to hear that after several not-so-slay years, we’ve curated the perfect aesthetic for SFU students! We affectionately call it, “Lovey-Dovey Academiacore,” because you can almost hear how much we care about you every time you gaze up Gaglardi Way on a snowy day. Make us a part of your perfect winter day — we’d love to spend the night with you looking at Road Report together, bestie!

Tim Horton’s to be replaced with Timothy Chala-ton’s

[Gasps dramatically.] I know. We can hear the questions from your curious whittle brains: “How did they?” “Aren’t there a lot of legal messes to deal with if you involve celebrity names?” “Is this even moral?!” Well, loves, we’re pleased to tell you that we flat out do not know! We just wanted you to have some cheap coffee and donuts with your favourite celebrity crush. 

In other news, we will be ~ spicing ~ up campus lectures to make up for the glitz and glamour from our legal team!

Lecturers to be fully replaced by raccoons in Spring 2033

Here at SFU, we are so big into sustainability and hiring in-house! Clearly, we have a good track record of doing just that. We’ve decided to make use (read: befriend) our lovely neighbours, who have so much to teach us about engaging with nature. We feel this is the most sustainable choice SFU can make, and we hope you can accept us as we are, as we’ve accepted every single one of you.

Okay, that’s it for now!! We love you so very much, like, if you were to ask how much, we wouldn’t even be able to tell you! That’s so POGGERS. 

Love,

Bestie