How about I don’t develop emotionally?

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Illustration of a person shrugging at a nebula behind them

By: Maya Beninteso, the Emotionally-Mature™ Peak Associate

To whoever, or whatever, the fuck is out there,

Hey, remember me — the person you keep on presenting (unwanted) opportunities for character development? The person who does not want to play the game of life on “hard mode,” as the kids are saying these days?

Well, it’s me. And I am done.

I’m over your frivolous attempts to have me grow as a human. Call it denial, but I’m fine just the way I am, and, I’m fine (or . . . no, I’m not — it’s not your business!). Don’t get me wrong, I understand the value and, no doubt, the stability that comes with being well-adjusted. But imagine how boring life would be, how boring I would be if I were well-adjusted. What on earth would I do in the morning? Make my bed? Meditate? Start assignments that are due in two weeks? I refuse. I like my chaotic mornings — it’s my normal. I look forward to the hour I spend in bed trying to figure out what I should do first, followed by taking a two hour reflective shower (sorry, environment) while listening to Taylor Swift. Although I know all too well that this isn’t an itinerary that exudes efficiency, it’s predictable as in . . . lacking change. See an emerging theme here?

Ah, yes, change. It’s marketed as this wonderful thing that we should strive to achieve, but I detest it with my entire being. My sole argument is that there’s a time and a place for change. Do I want my grades to change? Yes. Do I want to emotionally develop as an individual? Absolutely not! That would require effort,  introspection, and breaking cycles I don’t quite want to address right now (hence why I ghosted my therapist, sorry Reginald). This isn’t even a procrastination-type situation, just leave me alone! Stop sending wise NPCs on this “journey we call life” to brainwash me into being mature. Let me cry when I get a [insert subjective bad grade because I don’t feel like being judged by you, too]. I deserve to feel bad! Let me place my entire self-worth on my academic progress. Because, after all, it was ultimately the fear of failure that got me here in the first place. It may not be healthy, but my, what is anxiety if not useful. My point is that it’s hard to go full nihilist into “nothing-I-do-matters-because-I’m-on-a-floating-rock” when you are constantly pushing opportunities for growth onto me.

Maybe you should change, huh? Thought about that? What if I conjured up unwanted opportunities for the sake of your growth? For example, when you decided to abruptly end my friendship with the only human I ever started a conversation with in lecture. The only lesson I learned is one that most already know: never talk to neighbouring students in a lecture hall, only turmoil will ensue. You wanted me to work through the pain and come to some grand life-altering lesson that I would remember forever, right? Well, too bad. I told you, I have no intention of personal growth, or what have you. None. You know, it’s okay to give up sometimes, people give up (on me) all the time!

Listen, I used to try and help others who appeared to be struggling, too. I wanted to help people, but helping others distracted me from my problems. Maybe you should seek help, dear universe.

To summarize, number one, stop the character development attempts. I’m an adult, you’re too late, this is permanent now. Number two, get help.

Not-so-sincerely,

Maya