Dining with Sophistication: Culinary reviews by Reginald Trashpánda III

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An illustration of a snooty raccoon critic in glasses.
ILLUSTRATION: Maple Sukontasukkul / The Peak. Another soaring attempt in the journey of fine dining!

By: Nercya Kalino, Staff Writer

Rating: ★★★★★

Location: SFU Surrey, AKA Nirvana

Food: Literally everything you could ever imagine. Ever. Five star experience, my friends. Taste the stars at this lovely campus!

It is I, your beloved Reginald Trashpánda III, whilst all of you peasant folk were on your holidays, I took the initiative to go on a conquest. By the grub, it is not what I expected. You see, your campuses provide a splendid variation of taste. How does one think I became Reginald Trashpánda III? My travels have provided me with the knowledge I will now share with you, my followers. After an exhausting two weeks of bin surfing and adventuring, I begrudgingly must admit that SFU Surrey has a lot more to offer than the Burnaby campus.

As you all are aware, the campus is right in the city center, which by default means more bins. Now I am not being greedy, but hear me out. There is a whole world in the “mall,” as you humans call it. The back alleys, the endless garbage, and oh, the compost . . . It’s so moving, so many delightful delectables.

The first night we arrived, the other fellows welcomed us and took us to the main heart of it all. The fast food bins. The restaurants had large portions of meat — raw, cooked, dry, packaged — I will leave it to your MEATY imagination. There were also a large selection of fruits, wasted from grocery stores: gifts for moi. The prepackaged foods — some old-fashioned popped, stale, wet, let’s not forget the exploded cans. Quite frankly, I do not know where to start. It was textures, colors, smells, and all to my choosing. A magnificent cornucopia of dreams I could once only imagine!

My favorite spot was, by far, the fruit section in the bins. Nothing there surprised me except for the amounts, these luscious nuts and dried fruits had me immersed. At one point, I did not think I would make my way back to reality. It was a fantasy. The rotten mangoes, the oozing watermelons, and the bags of moldy oranges were all for taking. I think I need at least a week of fasting to regain my posture, but as of now, my blessed belly is dragging along the floor.

There you have it, it was not as much as this campus deserves, but I wanted to take the time to appreciate the SFU Surrey campus for showing me the limitations I once set for myself. Who knows, I might visit again really soon to impart with you more expert culinary reviews.