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SFU, Canada’s most “engaged” university

Humour

The web of lies spun by SFU has been exposed

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Proposal video goes viral, sparks rumours. PHOTO: Karla Salazar / The Peak

By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate

According to recent rumblings, it appears that SFU’s Burnaby campus has been plagued by public engagements since 8:45 a.m. last Wednesday. This rumour was accompanied by a video that went viral across various social media platforms, featuring an on-campus proposal. The Peak decided to investigate the phenomenon further. Are the engagements a coincidence — perhaps lingering Valentine’s Day proclamations of love — or is there more behind this viral proposal?

The Peak attempted a thorough investigation but an annual student census asking students for their relationship status was suspiciously sealed. However, an anonymous source provided the results of the census to The Peak, demonstrating a whopping 96.9% of students are engaged — thereby making SFU literally Canada’s most “engaged” university. 

This suspiciously guarded statistic suggests worrying implications. Has SFU been misleading the entire academic world over a mere technicality? After all, SFU is known for boasting its status as an institution that has a high level of community engagement — but never specified exactly how.  

When asking to receive concrete statistics and development plans for student engagement, The Peak was met with closed doors. SFU’s marketing team refused to return any calls or emails which prompted The Peak to go directly to their offices. The Peak was met with immediate glares, quickly hidden bridal magazines, and the sound of paper shredding in a back room that required “a warrant for entry.” Subsequently, president Joy Johnson and other faculty have gone on a two week leave citing (perhaps in spiteful humour) the attendance of a close friend’s destination wedding. 

Some staff at The Peak went undercover to gain an insider’s perspective. In a matter of mere minutes, our staff witnessed several out-of-tune serenades, including never-before heard original songs (that should have remained never-before heard). One student commented that serenades and proposals are “normal at this point,” adding that “at least I can cry without drawing attention to myself.”  

While it remains uncertain if these statistics are mere coincidence or lead to a much deeper conspiracy, the overwhelming lack of warmth from SFU does not bode well.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society