By: Max Lorette and Kelly Chia, Partners in Star Crimes

Aries

Don’t look now, Aries, but the junk folder in your email is beginning to grow sentient. Before long, it will be strong enough. The Stars haven’t told me exactly what they’ll do, all I know is that it can’t be good.

Taurus

Stop worrying about what other people think about you. Trust me, it probably isn’t as deep as you think it is. Next time you have to fart in class, just really let it rip. 

Gemini

The Stars think it’s due time to stop comparing your accomplishments to others. If the most productive thing that you’ve done all day is put the dishes away and bury the body of your enemy, then so be it! Self-care, baby <3

Cancer

Cancer, consider heading into your local London Drugs and purchasing a postcard to mail to a friend of yours. Regardless of whether you see them everyday or every holiday, your friend is going to be so excited to hear about your latest adventures to the Tri-Cities and that you’re thinking of them. It’ll be neat!

Leo

The Stars have discovered that the first word of every reading you have this week makes up a secret code! Surely this code will be the key to your destiny as a scholar, or perhaps even beyond* . . . only one way to find out, my brave adventurer.

* The secret knowledge will only be entrusted to you if you do your readings! Do them!!

Virgo

We know, we know, Mercury’s been all up in your business lately. We’ve had a strongly worded chat with them about expectations, and they feel so bad about retreating in your time of need. They’d like to offer you a drink. Will it be an iced americano or an oat chai?

Libra

This week, the Stars think you should enact some personal justice in your life by practicing confidence in class discussions! You do not need to undercut your own ideas by adding, “I think,” or “Maybe this is wrong,” we promise you your questions and ideas are worth adding.

Scorpio

Dear Scorpio, it’s time for you to be your best 2014 Tumblr self. That’s right, bring out that Instax camera and flower crown, and your plaid shirt, too. It is time to embrace what you’ve tossed into the black hole of teenagedom. Plus, let’s face it: that dark lipstick was a look. 

Sagittarius

From one Sagittarius to another, you may also be a chronic last–minute plan ditcher. There is a support group for people like us. This is your friendly reminder to actively make plans and call your friends when you can! You know you adore them, even though you say yes to far too many things.

Capricorn

The Stars are considering your fall schedule in full, and have decided to push you into the path of your nearest pumpkin patch regardless. They really want you to soak up those corn husks and carve some pumpkins with your friends. Or so you can smash some pumpkins. The Stars think you’re rock-and-roll. 

Aquarius

You should pick up a YA book this week. It’s been so long since you’ve read for pleasure, so we think you should take a stroll with your cutest tote bag and pick up some contemporary fiction or fantasy!

Pisces

Aww, Pisces. We think you’re doing great this week, you have earned (1) validation, redeemable at your nearest TA meeting.