By: Nercya Kalino, Staff Writer
Welcome back to What’s on the Menu. I am your best pal, Stinks the Raccoon, with the weekly report on what the students are tossing in the trash. Thanks to your readership, this has become the top raccoon newsletter. We have a treat for you. In the past month, a number of students have moved off the SFU residence area, and what was left behind was a feast! Tune into my report to hear more.
The amount of garbage left on the sides of the flooded bins was impeccable. Just prime stuff. I’m talking Cheeto dust, Maruchan ramen packs, and beautiful SPAM. Even some whole packages of spinach! I guess humans buy produce to watch them wilt. so we’ve been lucky lately, but I’m no scientist.
If you missed it, do visit our website where you can buy your favorite snacks and check the countdown clock on when the next treasures will be flooding in the Garbage Disposals of Glory. Of course, you will need to turn your alerts on and pass this information along to your families.
And now, it is with great sadness to announce that Mr. Slow Paws’ son, Sticky Paws, got himself stuck in the garbage disposal. What pushed him to go this far, we do not know. Our top sources indicate he wanted to find the most priced junk in order to sway the ladies.
We are deeply saddened by this news. We were not able to recover him because it was garbage pick up day. Goodbye, sweet prince. May you eat lots of garbage, whatever garbage disposal you visit next.
Next on What’s on the Menu is the top five foods the community has voted on.
At number five is cracked eggs. Whilst these are gems hard to find, the sweet yolk and the crunch of the eggshell makes it worthwhile. At number four is the frogs. Chewy and puffy, the elastic skin is good for a long munch, especially if food is scarce. With the rain coming in and out, these snacks have become rare, so look out, folks.
At number three and two we have the rotten mangoes and watermelons. If you are lucky you might find tomatoes, too. The humans are definitely getting back on the summer fruit wave.
At number one is our all time favorite and is still holding its position: the canned and jarred food. We have the old moldy beans, tangy jams, and beef cans. Mushroom soups too, yuck, but it is on the list. While sticking our little paws into the cans is most definitely unsafe, it’s always worth the risk.
In other news, the president of racoon watch, Mr. Scraps, has announced that the local humans in our area have decided to change the bins. While the bins signify more supply, we ought to watch out for the composite bins with the new locks that trap everything inside. Our composite stealth missions are currently halted until further investigation.
Thank you for tuning in on What’s on the Menu, I’ve been Stinks, and that is all for the news today. Remember to travel in packs and always hiss if a human thinks you are cute.
