Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 7-13

The stars want you to check yourself

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A peaceful cartoon woman surrounded by Zodiac symbols. She wears a yellow dress and has orange hair. Her hands are raised to hold one of the glowing signs.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Tamanna T., Staff Writer, Interspace advisor

Aries 

The stars are asking that you take a chill-pill this week. I know you’re deep into midterm season but grades will come and go. Do some sight-seeing, find where they’re filming your favourite TV show, heck, splurge on those deliciously overpriced macarons from Laudreé and eat all 20 of them in one sitting. Just relax and let go.

 

Taurus

Try keeping your anger in check this week. We get that it’s frustrating Walmart is out of their Flaming Hot Cheetos stock. It definitely wasn’t that 17 year old employee’s fault.  

 

Gemini

Unleash your inner Beyoncé and shower those around you with some sass. Trust me, they’re in desperate need of entertainment: you . . . classes are boring.

 

Cancer

You’re doing great sweetie. Just keep being you boo <3  

 

Leo

22.2.22 just passed, so you better have manifested the best life possible while you had the chance. Honestly, it was your one chance at a good grade in that class you’re almost failing. Man, for your sake, I really hope you did some considerable manifesting. 

 

Virgo

You thought you were so much better than everyone for not watching TikTok videos, didn’t you? Well too bad, TikTok lingo is so popular now that if you don’t say “Material Girl” or “gorgeous gorgeous girls” twice per conversation, your social credit is toast. Get with the program, Virgo.

 

Libra

Bad vibes are on your horizon, Libra. That ex you were trying to ignore all year? They’re taking the same summer course as you. That old friend who would always snitch on you in high school? They’re transferring to SFU. Show them who’s boss of this engaged university by not engaging with them at all. Keep those vibes immaculate. 

 

Scorpio

It’s Scorpio Sad Girl Spring. Go consume sad content until you fall asleep from all your crying. Really let those feelings out Scorpio, because if you don’t, we know you’ll take it out on your partner. 

 

Sagittarius

It’s time to scam the scammers back. This week when someone from Winnipeg calls to ask for your credit card information, turn the tables. Say you need money from them instead and that you have their SIN number. What you need to remember, Sagittarius, is that anyone could be committing tax fraud, even the tax fraud frauds. No one is safe. 

 

Capricorn

You need some laughter in your life . . . Good thing you’re reading the humour section.

 

Aquarius

We see that your diplomatic nature has gotten you into some tricky situations lately. Trying to balance everyone’s emotions has left you in a whirlwind which your anxiety is compounding. It’s high time to take your stance and hold your ground. Stop quivering. Stop shaking. You’re fine, it’ll be fine. 

 

Pisces

It’s time to indulge in your guilty pleasures this week. Buy eight more Squishmallows to add to your 34 ‘mallow collection, order four instead of two Domino’s pizzas and stay up all night playing Cooking Mama 2 (DS). Life’s too short, Pisces, live a little.