By: Sara Brinkac, Humour Editor
Our campus isn’t the worst
Separate buildings across a 400 hectare campus? What is that? Who needs that much space? While UBC students are bragging about their “campus culture” SFU students will be happily walking to class under something called a “ceiling.” Have fun in the rain people, we’ll be the ones roasting marshmallows at Convo Mall.
Our president is literally named Joy
What’s more indicative of a happy university than a president with an alliterative name? Nothing. Especially if their first name is the purest form of happiness. Some say it’s overcompensation, but those are just lies spread by UBC saboteurs, jealous of JJ and the superiority of SFU.
We don’t have concerts
You know what I often say is such a nuisance? Fun student events. And don’t even get me started on universities that have a stadium for mildly famous performers to actually have concerts in. Honestly, who would want to bother with meeting new people in a loud environment. Dancing? What is this, West Side Story? Get real UBC.
I mean what’s more to say? “Mountain” is the best geographical landform. Mountain puts SFU both figuratively and literally above UBC. You can’t deny it, you can’t argue it, you can only accept it. Face.
We have more expensive parking
UBC students pay $400.80? Per TERM? What a bunch of chumps! According to the supply and demand curves that govern our society, whatever is more expensive is of more quality. And that’s exactly why SFU charges $440.00 per term for parking. Sorry UBC, looks like you have low quality spots that no one wants to park their cars in 🙁
Fact: it has been scientifically proven people at SFU are 420% more funny than people at UBC. Fact: UBC people are all butt-hurt they can’t think of a good comeback to this study because they’re not funny. Fact: I like sandwiches on Sundays after a swim. They’re refreshing, light, and easy on the stomach. You should try it sometime.
We’re more engaged
SFU’s motto: “Engaging the World.” UBC’s motto: “Tuum Est.” Verdict: SFU is actively engaging people and officiating international weddings while UBC still thinks people speak Latin. Extrapolation from verdict: SFU is better than UBC, because . . . international love.
Hackers like us more
Last time I checked, SFU was a total hotspot for hacker activity while UBC’s systems remained completely safe. Looks like whatever data UBC has, the hackers don’t want. Not to be rude, but SFU’s spicy secrets are just another example of how basic, bland, and boring UBC is in comparison.
Our wifi is worse
You know what’s a real problem these days? The youth on their phones. This world is crumbling one instant message at a time. It’s only by some divine grace that SFU is committed to fighting back. With campus wide shoddy wifi and consistently elusive network passwords, SFU makes an impactful commitment to the future. Meanwhile, UBC sits back and watches the world burn in the eternal fires of hotmail.
We’re farther from the ocean
Everyone knows the ocean sucks. That’s why SFU is built on a superior mountain far away from any salty water that would affect the pricing of our luxury parking spots. Honestly, I worry about those poor UBC students that are forced to inhale ocean air during their 45 minute walks to class. May McFogg have mercy on their souls and may SFU continue forever in its superiority. Go mountain.