By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

BURNABY,  BC — With a recording of a leaked phone call, an anonymous whistleblower shared news of an SFU and UBC collaboration for the first time in 23 years. Presidents Joy Johnson and Santa J. Ono allegedly scheme to create a mandatory holiday for all students, borrowing its title from their first names: Santa Joy. An excerpt from the leaked call is transcribed as follows.

JOY JOHNSON: . . . need to bring students back to campus as soon as possible after the holidays. With our alliance, we could add pressure to other institutions. Once we get UVICinvolved, it’ll be set.

SANTA J. ONO: Still, we don’t need UVIC. Between us, we can plan it. How’s December 27 for the date to return to campus? We didn’t give them Hanukkah, don’t need to wait for New Year’s —  might as well give them Christmas and the first day of Kwanzaa, call it finished. No need to draw out the break. 

JOHNSON: Right, right. Let’s do the 27 and add some festivities with the Canvas course. Maybe decorate the trees, sell fruit cake, add a yule log to firepits.

ONO: Sure, those were all pre-Christian things, right? We can get by fine so long as we don’t call it Christmas or whatever. 

JOHNSON: Any name ideas?

ONO: . . .

JOHNSON: For the holiday? Santa?

ONO: . . . Yeah? . . . Yeah! Santa Joy! Let’s call it that. Festive, but still technically secular. 

JOHNSON: Well, sure, but then how do we make it mandatory? I’m thinking a Canvas course, but only available on campus Wi-Fi. Due at the end of the day unless they reserve accommodations by late November.

ONO: It’s already late November?

JOHNSON: Exactly. Rope ‘em in. It’ll improve a sense of community and we can take “donations” for last minute tax breaks. 

(audio cuts out for 17 seconds)

ONO: . . . at least $18,000 each to make up for tuition loss. How’s that for admission?

JOHNSON: Sure . . . wait, did you hear that click again? Is someone listenin — 

(end transcription)

The anonymous whistleblower’s only comment was, “they need to be stopped. And reading break should be at least two weeks every semester to make up for burnout.”