By: Sara Brinkac, Sexpert
ARIES: Unfortunately we don’t have a lot of sexual energy to use for your prediction since you’re a total virgin. But we can assure you that you will have sex . . . at some point . . . soon(ish)?
TAURUS: When people keep offering to eat you out, you need to stop assuming it’s just poor grammar. Also, we get that you love a free meal but that doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t want one too.
GEMINI: I don’t know why you think it’s such a good idea to have sexual partners practically double your height but that’s OK. The commuters at the bus stop are getting a real show when you try to 69 with the blinds open.
CANCER: You seem to be a big fan of car sex. But always in the most uncomfortable cars and oddest locations. Next time you’re in the market for a partner, treat yourself to a nice Mazda 3 hatchback with fold down seats. We hear both the car and driver have great mileage.
LEO: We understand you need a first date idea for you and the cutie in your class. May we recommend skipping the tedious coffee, hopping over the boring first kiss, and instead just bringing a blanket to your next lecture? While your eyes are on the slides learning, allow you and your date’s hands free range, all while conveniently shrouded under a Doctor Who quilt. Whoever said “partner projects were hard work,” was more right than they knew.
VIRGO: It is highly advised you start adding a 20 minute pre-coital stretch routine to all your future sexual encounters. You aren’t the nimble jungle cat you once were and you’re about three reverse cowgirls away from a pulled hammy.
LIBRA: No one said you couldn’t sweeten up your sex life on a budget. Go ahead — grab the frozen strawberries, crack open the Cool Whip, and drench your partner in No Name Chocolate Syrup. What’s that? What about edible underwear? We recommend looking into the great number of licorice weaving tutorials out there for the sexually and creatively inclined.
SCORPIO: If you have been offered a fancy seafood dinner in Yaletown this week, do not go. The combination of oysters and wine is not the aphrodisiac concoction you are looking for. However, if you do decide to move ahead with this, all we can do is beg you not to go down on anyone.
SAGITTARIUS: That guy in your friend group you think no one knows you’re having sex with? Literally, everybody knows. But no one really minds, and frankly most people are supportive of it. It’s not worth being embarrassed over and it’s definitely not worth shoving him in the closet every time you hear a knock at the door. It’s time you own up to your relationship with Trevor.
CAPRICORN: Think twice before you try heating up your sex life this week. We’ve seen how nonchalantly you’ve handled candles in the past and are concerned that your partner’s desires won’t be the only thing burning that night.
AQUARIUS: We’re so happy to hear that things between you and your partner are going fantastic in the oral sex department — but please — keep in mind that your walls are thin and your roommate is a lonely Aries.
PISCES: Word on the street is you and your partner are the “Hansel and Gretel” of butt plugs. We love to see you two expanding your sexual and rectal horizons but maybe try not to leave a trail of lost buttplugs in your wake. If you are really having that hard of a time keeping track of them, we hear keychains can be extremely convenient.