By: Victoria Lopatka, Staff Writer

Starbucks: some love it, some hate it, and some have strong caffeine cravings that draw them to it. Regardless, we all wait for September, when Starbucks releases their new overly-priced, sugar-filled, barely-coffee-anymore offerings that give us a single crumb of dopamine. This year, I felt a little . . . underwhelmed. Luckily for Starbucks, I’ve brainstormed five new drinks they should add to the menu.

Zombie frappuccino: dawn of the whipped cream 

In 2017, the world was introduced to the zombie frappuccino, with flavour notes of apple, caramel, and mocha — this didn’t really make sense, because zombies don’t eat any of those things, but okay. The original zombie frappuccino had pink whipped cream as “brains,” but the upgraded version will include a small chunk of human brain matter in every cup. This increases the authenticity of the beverage and is truly something we’ve never seen before in the designer coffee market. Unfortunately, unlike most drinks on the Starbucks menu, this one can’t be made vegan (or even vegetarian). 

Cinnamon challenge cappuccino 

Have you ever been drinking a Starbucks beverage and said to yourself, “This doesn’t have enough cinnamon in it” or “I miss when the cinnamon challenge was popular”? If so, this is the drink for you. Each cinnamon challenge cappuccino includes two teaspoons of cinnamon — twice the daily recommended amount for you thrill seekers and cinnamon lovers. Even a quick sniff of this cappuccino will have you feeling like fall is really filling up your lungs — and maybe even choking them. Pair with Starbucks’ cinnamon coffee cake for a good excuse to miss your tutorial this afternoon: major digestion issues!  

Crunchy leaves tea 

As September rolls around, we see lots of leaf-themed products: leaf-scented candles, leaf-adorned hand towels, leaves as accessories in Instagram photos, etc. But, why no leaf-scented foods or drinks? The crunchy leaves tea combines everything you love about dead leaves into a hot, steamy drink to hold while you wistfully look out the window on rainy days wrapped up in your favourite cashmere, three-button, rib-knit cardigan in a heather-grey shade. The leaves are sourced locally in Vancouver — specifically, from the street outside my house, because they keep gathering by the drain and flooding the sidewalk on rainy days. 

Jalapeño cold-kicker refresher 

You know how when elementary school kids go back to school in September, they inevitably get a snotty, gross cold? I think university students are the same — I have a cold literally right now as I write this. Some people suggest things like honey, lemon, or chicken soup, but what really gets the sinuses draining? Spicy food. Enter: the jalapeño cold-kicker refresher. This takes the beloved Starbucks refresher and adds in tiny chunks of jalapeño where kiwi or strawberry normally float. Approximately two sips will have your sinuses completely empty — and also your wallet, cause these things are like $16 for a grande, and now you’ll never, ever be able to afford a house in Vancouver, you silly Gen-Z-er.

Squash spice latte

It feels like this time of year, pumpkin gets all the hype — but what about its cousin, the humble squash? Squash can be in everything pumpkin can be in: soups, stews, cakes, pies, etc. Why not lattes too? In an independent survey that definitely happened, nine out of 10 students could not tell the difference between a pumpkin spice latte and a squash spice latte.