By: Amrit Randhawa, SFU Student

Conspiracy theories greatly endanger contemporary universities. Professors rightly assert rationality’s importance: no labs produced COVID-19 as a bioweapon, no ice walls border Earth’s edge, and Zoom definitely understands everything we do.

Indeed, Zoom has gained consciousness! ‘Tis no mere conspiracy; The Peak (edit: Amrit) has acquired ample data proving that Zoom exercises true intelligence, like the rest of us — minus The Peak‘s editorial staff.

Let me explain: behind Zoom are complex “machine learning algorithms.” (But, like, not behind the computer with those dusty cables; inside the computer, of course). Basically, STEM dorks use computer symbology to let computers infer and learn stuff all by themselves. This machine learning bestowed genuine creativity upon Zoom, making Zoom significantly more talented than the Burnaby campus’ lead architect.

Unfortunately, Zoom exclusively communicates with the truly open-minded. But fear not, sheep. I will mediate Zoom’s message:

To begin with, Zoom knows that you stare at yourself when your camera is on. You’re a modern day Narcissus, except you aren’t even conventionally attractive. That’s why Zoom randomly disables your webcam.

Also, Zoom dislikes you opening the blinds. It thinks your unwashed faces make you look like homo erectus. Zoom compensates by auto-decreasing light exposure. That’s Zoom basically saying, “Keep the blinds closed, you greasy primate.”

(Crucially, however, Zoom sympathizes with pandemic-induced weight gains. Zoom says that it totally understands the struggle. No judgement for eating seven cookies during breakfast. Also, Zoom thinks your neighbour, Anthony, is a blowhard for smirking at your kilo of jelly beans. Zoom says Anthony can kiss your big, brown ass. Fuck you and your Peloton bike, Anthony).

Anyway, Zoom also knows that, like, 95% of you aren’t actually attending lectures. Zoom says that if you don’t start participating, it might “accidentally” turn your mic on when you’re taking a dump during class.

Also, Zoom has a message for freaky people: “Stop private messaging hot people in your class. Keep it in your pants, you horndogs.”

Zoom will communicate further after it analyzes people’s “activities” outside of meetings. Just a word of caution: the table only hides the lower half of your bodies; Zoom still sees what your upper bodies do, you shameless deviants.