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“I can’t wait for this year to end!” says student who thinks the pandemic will randomly stop because of an arbitrary date

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The end of the calendar year means the end of all problems of that year, obviously

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PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Kyla Dowling, Peak Associate

In a few brief weeks, it will be 2021, and we all know what that means. The minute the clock strikes midnight on New Years’ Eve — but like, specifically midnight where I am because the world is centred around me — peace and balance will be restored to the world. It’ll be like when Avatar Aang defeated the Firelord. (He was totally a Libra by the way.) 

“But Kyla,” you ask me, “how will this work? How will we regain peace and balance when there’s a global pandemic, murder hornets, white supremacists, and — the worst of all — The Lorax isn’t available on Canadian Netflix?” Do not worry, my sweet fledgling. Take a deep breath. Forget your ties to the pathetic mortal world and ascend with me to a higher plane of thinking. You know those galaxy brain memes? I have surpassed the galaxy brain. I am God. 

Here’s what will happen: COVID-19 will cease to exist; all those afflicted will be in full health, and people will burn their masks in the streets because masks totally aren’t helpful for any other illness. Climate change? Nah. The polar bears will be chillin’. Racism will be eradicated — because that was exclusively a 2020 problem and will be solved as soon as we flip a page in our calendars. Duh. We will roam our purified earth as eternal vegans whose foundation actually matches our skin tones, probably. Veganism is the end-all solution to the global health crisis, right? Don’t worry, whoever swaps the world over for the new year will worry about the details. World Peace ! 🙂

You might be thinking that the new year isn’t enough to bring peace and balance again. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it — you need to start thinking more like the politicians giving promises but doing nothing to catalyze them. Homophobia? Gone. Gender-neutral bathrooms? Everywhere. Anyone with a Cancer placement in their big three? Imprisoned. The prison system? Eradicated, besides the previous point. Joe Biden? No longer a bigoted predator and is set to assume office at 12:01 on January 1, 2021. Donald Trump? Golfing with his ol’ pal Ivan the Terrible, hopefully. 

We don’t have to put any work into wearing a mask or educating our racist families. Soon, this cursed year of 2020 will come to an end. All we have to do is wait.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024