By: Juztin Bello, Copy Editor
- Social media influencers
It should come as no surprise that social media influencers are on this list, given the fact that anyone who spends their life trying to flex their empty personalities and unfulfilling brand endorsements would quite literally do anything for validation. Whether they’re posing for the perfect picture in precarious places, trying to generate enough clicks on a video of them doing dramatized but super mundane things, or participating in some sort of unnecessary scandal, influencers have a life expectancy as long as their relevance — so as you can imagine, not long. As Lady Gaga said once in a song I think, “I live for the [validation from an audience of people I don’t care about and only want money from]!”
2. Gender revealers
I could say a lot about how these people reinforce the gender binary, are mindless in their willingness to put others at risk with their unnecessarily grand gestures, or are most definitely attention-seeking nobodies who want to push their heteronormative practices in the faces of their friends and loved ones. But instead, I’ll just say this: the only thing revealed by your gender reveal party is that you’re an idiot.
3. Android users
Now I’m not one to insert my biases, but I can’t help but feel compelled to say Android users are inferior as I write this on my MackBook Air with my Apple Airpods in my ears and my iPhone X right next to me. According to an analytic on Macworld, in 2019 Apple dominated the North American market with 52.28% of sales, with Samsung following far behind at 25.54%. And according to me, anyone who takes a photo with an Android camera has a 100% of generating an image that’s literally five pixels and has a 0.1% chance of matching with me on Tinder with their five-pixel mirror selfies. These statistics are equally and indisputably significant, proving how much better Apple is and why Android users will not last.
4. Boys of Frat
Legend says that long ago, a war broke out between the Boys of Frat and the Folding Table Nation when the Boys of Frat attacked. For centuries these champions of the competitive drinking game world raged war on one another, bringing misfortune to the innocent. Due to their misdeeds against society, the bloodlines of the Boys of Frat were cursed. Now, descendants of the Frat dynasty are subject to an infinite war on the successors of the Folding Table dynasty, enforcing their violence by jumping and smashing into them as their ancestors did. When will this war be over and who will win? Who knows. We can only predict which of these two fated foes will thrive and who will eventually perish: one side of this war consists of sensitive, cheap, skinny-legged, deconstructable objects with less than one brain cell, while the other side consists of tables, so who can really be sure.
5. Karens
In today’s society, Karens are constantly testing their limits, thinking the solution to their problems is yelling and causing a scene. But what they need to realize is that these are the tactics for fending off a bear, not trying to get a return when they have used the product and don’t have a receipt on them. It’s only a matter of time before a Karen slips up and finds herself face to face with the devil — but trust, even after she’s six feet under, she will still ask to speak to the manager regarding why she’s in Hell not Hell+.
6. People who still say “dank”
It’s said that language is constantly evolving, and it can be argued that in m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ a few ways, society is doing the same. So tell me why there are people out there who genuinely still use the word “dank”? How have we let these people slip through and remain integrated in our society? I would say that this notion and the people who still use this word still “dank,” but I have more common sense and knowledge to know that this word is about as weak and irrelevant as anyone who still says it.
7. “Ohhh, that’s too spicy for me”
I initially was going to open this section with a sassy little quip about people who can’t handle spice, but I think it may have been too spicy, so I had to cut it. If someone looks at the spice scale at Nando’s and thinks Lemon & Herb is too spicy for their chicken, their food palettes have left them at an unfortunate disadvantage that will ultimately lead to their downfall. What should happen to them if someone puts too much salt on their fries — or worse, their water is sparkling? I can’t help but wonder what will happen when these people eventually perish and find themselves in Hell — good luck finding anything less than Lemon & Herb when you literally live in fire.
8. Non-maskers
These people took Future a little too seriously when he said “Mask on, fuck it mask off” and are truly not built to last, no matter what their privileged immune systems have to say about it. While this could just apply to people who are truly risking it all and not wearing a mask, this is also a callout to anyone who wears their mask only on their mouth while completely exposing their nose. I don’t know if these people have an understanding of how breathing works, but bacteria can also enter your body by breathing through your nose. If only there was some way to also block that passageway and protect it. Oh wait. There is.
9. Anyone who posts stories on Facebook
I’ll keep this one short and sweet: it’s bold of you to think you’re safe by posting stories on Facebook, given the fact actual robot and sunscreen enthusiast Mark Zuckerberg is constantly watching. You’re just making it easier for him to find you and eliminate you. And if you think anyone is going to try to save you, just remember: you’re posting stories on Facebook, do you really think people will care that you’re gone?
10. Me
I can’t drive, I have anxiety, and I’m so gay and weak I consider pushing clothes down the rusty racks at Value Village a strenuous arm workout. My time is nigh.
