SFUnexplained: SFU works with other institutions to keep its student body here — and not in the ways you may think

Canada’s engaged university is engaged in a game of chess — and they’re always three steps ahead

Illustration: Tiffany Chan / The Peak

By: Serena Bains, Staff Writer

Have you ever thought about why those at the top of SFU make hundreds of thousands of dollars to ignore students? People have to wake up and realize that these top-dog figures could never be this rich and be this bad at their jobs — they are playing 4D chess, and they are 20 steps ahead. 

All of their perceived incompetence must be constructed. They’re ignoring all students because none of us are here through our own free will. They know we have no choice but to stay at SFU. Wake up, sheeple: We’re all the victims of an underground cabal of shadowy figures in charge of trapping students in a university that no one really wanted to go to in the first place.

Everyone knows that SFU isn’t really anyone’s first choice, so how did we all get here? The double-crossing conspirators made up of underpaid high school teachers doubling as “counsellors,” academic advisors, and our parents will say it’s because they “get it, you like CSI and wanted to be a criminology major” or “you really struggled with physics 11, how do you expect to do calculus?” How do they know all this information about our personal lives? Since when are these people allowed to infringe on our rights and freedoms? They obviously have some kind of insider access.

But how? 

I’ll tell you how: SFU is paying off other universities, our supposed emotional support high school English teachers, and even our parents — all to purposely deny students and leave them with one option: Simon Fraser. 

When you really think about it, it all starts to make sense. SFU did take it upon themselves to raise tuition during a pandemic. Is that because they’re inherently evil or because they need to increase their profits to continue harvesting students?  It’s definitely not because “remote learning and teaching continues to provide a high-quality educational experience,” so the latter is the only plausible option left.

This also explains why SFU is located on a mountain. Running an operation that keeps students in a location against their will requires a large amount of land that is isolated from the rest of society. If any of us threaten to leave they’ll just stop bus services or manufacture a snowstorm. We’ll be stuck with no escape in sight and SFU will have exactly what they want: control over their precious little students. 

You may be thinking, “What if we organize and just carpool down the mountain?” That’s when the TMX pipeline comes into play. 

Have you ever thought about why SFU is in favour of TMX while in the same breath assuring everyone that they’re working towards reconciliation and sustainability? You might think it’s because they are “stupid” or “out of touch with reality” or “purposely keeping up socially progressive appearances to avoid any uprising of student organizations that would result in meaningful change that would hurt the university’s social and liquid capital.” 

But it’s not. 

It’s their solution for when the worst happens. If the students organize there will be an oil spill conveniently affecting the mountain. It’s a good contingency plan either way, as the pipeline will inevitably leak sooner or later.

The only way to escape the university is to replace each one of us with students from other universities without SFU noticing. Luckily, SFU doesn’t know anything about its students and likely wouldn’t notice if 25,000 students were suddenly exchanged for another group. All we need is to convince students of another university that SFU is full of opportunities. But what university is in such a dire situation that SFU looks like a safe haven? Is there a group of students that willingly spend their time at SFU without even being enrolled? 

Oh my god. The answer to our freedom has been right in front of us this whole time: Kwantlen Polytechnic University.