Fake friendships to reopen on “optional, part-time basis”

Starting June 1, British Columbians begrudgingly return to hanging out with the rungs on their social ladders

Photo courtesy of Helena Lopes via Unsplash

By: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Forget the economy: it’s time to bring back an even more arbitrary part of our lives, authorities say. The British Columbian government has recommended that throughout the province, fake friendships begin reopening, possibly as early as next week. 

“It’s time to get back to business as usual,” says BC Premier Don Morgan.

Friends are advised to alternate which types of fake friends they visit at a time. For example, provincial health officer Dr. Connie Penry recommends reserving Mondays for friends you use as human selfie sticks, Thursdays for annoying friends of friends who always show up to things uninvited, and Saturdays, of course, for the boys. 

“So the mantra goes: uglier faces, bigger spaces.”

However, Morgan emphasized that the return to fake friendships is strictly optional.

“It is your choice to be children and waste time with shallow and unfulling acquaintances now that these forced relationships are reopening,” the premier stressed. 

For those who do choose to reopen, all fake friendships must have safety measures in place, Penry says. Options include wearing masks in public, whether they be medical or psychological.

“Me wearing a social mask and you wearing a social mask helps us keep our total boredom to ourselves.”

Above all, physical distancing is king, Penry says. So the mantra goes: uglier faces, bigger spaces.

When physical distancing isn’t feasible, Penry recommends alternate measures. She suggests telling these people how little you enjoy their company, instead of farming gossip off of their drama and circulating it for social capital.