Peakie gets outdoorsy

Don’t run away from their advice!

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Mountains near a body of water. The reflection of the mountains is visible in the water.
PHOTO: eberhard grossgasteiger / Pexels

By: Yasmin Hassan, Staff Writer and C Icart, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie, 

I want to preface this by saying I was a runner before running became cool. I’ve been in the pain cave, I’ve had nasty blisters, I’ve pooped in unfortunate places. I am also a vegan, which makes me doubly better than anyone else. So here’s my issue, I accidentally swallowed a fly while chasing a PB. It all happened so fast! How can I atone for my sins?

Sincerely, 
At least I got some protein

Dear At least I got some protein,

Sounds like the great outdoors hasn’t been treating you so kindly. It may be because you’ve been leaving unwanted gifts in its domain. It’s clear that running gives you the runs (how ironic). Perhaps it’s time for some self-reflection; is that diet really doing you any good, pal? Too many beans, lentils, and fibrous veggies, mixed with an ambition to beat a personal best, will give anyone a distressed digestive system. You’re vegan, eating all the veg; maybe that fly was Mother Nature’s way of saying you need balance in your diet (or to leave some for the rest of us). Quick fix? Wear a beekeeper’s helmet while you run. Keeps the bugs out, and you won’t be able to see your smartwatch, which means you won’t be focused on hitting any PBs; just keep running!

Bon appétit,
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

In my free time, I like to engage in what I call colonial LARPing, which is when I go outside and pretend that I am Simon Fraser himself. I do this by looking at bodies of water, pointing dramatically, and claiming that I discovered them. I would like to take it to the next level by engaging in fur trading. I keep seeing these signs around Burnaby Mountain advertising bears, but I have yet to spot one. Do you have any tips? 

Sincerely, 
Wannabe Explorer

Dear Wannabe Explorer,

I admire your adventurous spirit, which truly embodies that overly ambitious white man core. As for furs, you’ve really gotta work your way up to bears. Have you ever seen an oversized tree rat (also known as a squirrel)? Start with those, and then once you’ve used your furs (perhaps a fuzzy pair of socks), prepare yourself for bear hunting! Slather yourself in thick, organic honey to ensure you don’t lose grip on your hunting rifle. Then, strap pieces of sashimi-grade salmon onto your arms, just in case you get hungry. Finally, take a bushel of all kinds of garbage in order to ward off your natural scent; they do have a really good sense of smell and might remember you! If hunting doesn’t work out, try LARPing in the fur section of your local thrift store; imagine the shock Simon Fraser would have if he saw those prices.

Happy hunting!
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

Last week, I was on a hike with my partner. When we got to the lookout, I asked them to take some photos of me and they said, “One second.” They then got on one knee and proposed. I was like, “What?” and asked if anyone was filming this. They said no. So, I was like, “OK” and asked if they had secretly been filming me over the years so they could make a cute TikTok. THEY ALSO SAID NO! So, I was like, “No, please try again in a more crowded area with professional photographers and videographers.” AITA for not wanting a non-documented proposal? 

Sincerely, 
If someone gets proposed to in the forest and nobody hears it . . .

Dear If someone gets proposed to in the forest and nobody hears it,

Can we call ourselves assholes for having standards? For wanting a slice of the romanticized life we see on TV and dream about? They say embrace reality? I say create your reality; don’t listen to what everyone else says. As that one white woman once said, haters gon’ hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. You deserve Bollywood-level production for your proposal. I’m talking 2013 random flash mob-level effort, and that’s the minimum. Your partner should feel grateful they get to revise their first attempt, like editing an essay! And if they still don’t deliver, let’s just say Peakie would treat you right.

Best of luck (and call me),
Peakie

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