The nice weather is back and so is Peakie

Once again, Peakie provides chaotic advice

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Ants walking on a stick in front of a sunset.
PHOTO: Prabir Kashyap / Unsplash

By: Mahla Rae, SFU student and C Icart, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie, 

I think it’s time for me to be brave and ask a question that I’ve been avoiding for years. 2024 is the year I don’t let anything hold me back. Asking questions is how we learn and grow as people. There is no reason to be afraid. I’ve read this column before, I know you do tend to be judgemental, but maybe you are also turning over a new leaf. So, here I go. Deep breath in, deep breath out . . . What in the world is a canuck!? 

Sincerely, 
Don’t tell the hockey bros 

Dear Scaredy

Your bravery in admitting this is . . . interesting. Turning over a new leaf is important and can be very scary. Fortunately for me, I’ve never had to go through this and never will. Your comment on past perceptions of me as judgemental, while clearly wrong and coming from a place of jealousy, are noted. I would never claim to be perfect, because everyone I’ve ever met has directly (or indirectly) agreed that I am, so there is no need for me to say it. Based on the over explanatory tone of your message, I can tell you are from Canada. In this case, the fearful rambling before your question is understood, especially with your mention of the hockey bros. Clearly, you are aware that the Canucks are Vancouver’s hockey team, so it should be quite obvious that a canuck is an individual hockey player on said team.

Regards,
Perfect Vancouverite 

Dear Peakie,

There’s this guy in my class that I think is sooooooo cute. Like next level hottie. So obviously, my plan to catch his attention was to be as mysterious as possible. Did you know there’s a wikiHow page for that? When he and I got paired for a group project, I knew I had him. Given that wikiHow’s tip number five is to “avoid being available 24/7,” I just never responded to any of his messages about the project. Today was the day of our presentation and he was staring at me intensely the entire time. What else should I do to have him fall head over heels for me?

Mysteriously, 
Coquette Enigma

Dearest Coquette Enigma, 

You have come to the right place, all of my Hinge practice has led to this. WikiHow is essential to starting any plan to catch a guy’s attention, but the next phase will seal the deal. Since you’ve already grabbed future pookie’s attention, now you need to work on making him come to you. While wikiHow recommends making eye contact for two seconds, you should actually stare directly at him until he makes eye contact regardless of how long it takes. Once eye contact is made, hold it until he gets intimidated enough to look away. Do this repeatedly as often as you can throughout class. By the end of class he will come up to you to talk. This next step is IMPORTANT! Before he speaks you need to cut him off immediately and ask what his problem is. Out of only 102 attempts, this has worked 30 times. Follow these steps and you will have a fellow forever in love with you.

Xoxo,
Gossip Girl 

Dear Peakie, 

The ants are determined to make my home theirs . . . and honestly, who am I to stop them? Can I carry 50 times my bodyweight? Nope, I cannot! I tried to buy ant traps online from London Drugs, but with the store closures, who knows if they’ll ever get here. So, I’ve decided to pivot and make my home more welcoming to these earless guests. Obviously, I’ve been leaving food out for them. What else should I be doing?

Hospitably, 
Mi casa es tu casa 

Dear new ant host,

This is a fantastic inquiry and I’ve got tons of suggestions! Some might call me a “good bug host” wink wink. One quick and easy trick is to find your favourite fabric, like your favourite sweater, and cut it into strips to lay out around the food you’ve left out so they can nap comfortably when they get sleepy after they eat. Next, a perfect investment is an essential oil diffuser. Put in relaxing or energising scents which are perfect for your lungless little friends. They will soak them up through the holes covering their body providing a constant full body aromatherapy. Put these tips into action as soon as you can and watch your new guests become roommates!

Best, 
Peakie

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