Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Decades of SFU student activism have finally paid off, it seems. Last Monday, a HIST 466 seminar welcomed a very special new student: the Devil himself.
Ever since Lucifer’s original fall from Heaven, the lack of colleges in Hell has left Satan with no opportunity to pursue higher education. But modern transit infrastructure has changed everything, especially in Metro Vancouver. As the school closest to Hell, SFU has a long history of students from all disciplines advocating for the Devil and his cause.
Their efforts finally bore fruit last Monday. Students walked into their room in the AQ to find the Devil seated happily at the front of the classroom, ready for that day’s seminar discussion on whether or not Emperor Caligula was a good husband.
“I just can’t believe I’m finally here,” the Devil sobbed during a statement to The Peak. “I’m so excited to finally speak for myself on the pros of tyrannical dictators throughout global history, instead of relying on tall, pale, sickly-looking boys in trench coats and oversized glasses to do it for me.”
According to the Devil, though the school had been “hesitant” to accept him as a full-time undergrad, he was being permitted to audit the course and see how he “fit in” with the rest of the students.
“I’m not worried, though,” he confided. “Those tall, pale, sickly boys? They’re so nice to me! They know I’m really shy these days, so they always speak up on my behalf. And they’re good at it. Whenever they advocate for my point of view to the class, they always get all the little nuances of my opinions, without me having to explain first.
“It’s almost as if they actually just believe the same things as me.”
Many other students were proud of the Devil and excited to see what he would contribute.
“I mean, yeah, he’s going to be more insufferable and evil than everyone who advocated for him put together,” noted Carla Laurent, a third year history student. “But he seems really eager to learn, so at least he’ll come to class having done the readings.”
At the end of the seminar, the Devil, with tears of lava trickling from his beautiful eyes, stood before the class and bowed to them in gratitude.
“It meant a lot,” said Dr. Jenny Blizzard, the professor teaching the HIST 466 seminar, “considering, you know, why he ended up in Hell in the first place.
“But it does worry me . . . I don’t want him stoking these kids’ egos. I don’t think I can deal with any more of my students developing God complexes.”
None of the Devil’s advocates in the class seemed prepared to comment. Though The Peak approached multiple advocates, each one deflected interview requests with demands that the reporters drop everything and debate them — on what topic, exactly, was unclear.
[…] a shocking turn of events, the Devil has requested that people stop advocating for him. Despite his initial gratitude, the Devil worries those speaking on his behalf are doing a terrible job of it— especially you, […]