By: Katie Walkley, SFU Student
In our modern era, staying single has become an appealing option. I count my blessings every day I don’t have to be married by age 14 like my foremothers. My romantic interactions are limited to checking out the SFU hotties on the 143 bus (hmu baddies). Just kidding, please don’t, I’m not ready.
Anyways, I have noticed that many of my friends also experience the epic highs and lows of singledom. On one hand, I would not give up my solo nights watching old Survivor seasons for ANYONE. However, I need to take a peek at what we’re missing out on. Thus, I have taken it upon myself to investigate how to find love as a dating-curious-loner-queen.
The saying is true that love finds you when you stop trying. And I really had given up on that one fateful night where after asking, “Why on earth does Facebook have a dating app?” I made myself a Facebook Dating profile.
No bio. Just a picture of me in my alien makeup sitting on my friend’s toilet.
It was originally just to see what kind of hooligans were finding love on my Aunt Linda’s favourite app. Then, my curiosity grew into respect like a caterpillar’s transformation into a slightly larger caterpillar. So, here are my three reasons why Facebook dating will change your status from unwitting loner to reciprocal boner just in time for some summer romance.
- Low standards: boost your ego!
My extraterrestrial form has received many confessions of love and coffee invites after the briefest of exchanges. Since it is impossible to fumble a Facebook diva, even the most inexperienced, non-committal users will feel like fine shyt in no time.
- Absence of rizz: assure a genuine connection
Most Facebook daters have limited real-life dating experience. Some are even bold enough to sing their woes in their bios. One man wrote a full paragraph about how he’s a good-looking guy — so it’s not his fault he hasn’t had sex in over a year. I could tell his hand was relieved to take a break from its full time job and write that paragraph. You can rest assured that these people aren’t putting up an act because they tell you things that most wouldn’t give up under torture.
- Loneliness across the board: you’re not the only hermit
In a land where people have resorted to finding their other half on Zuckerberg’s social hellscape, the inhabitants surprisingly do not have the most frivolous social lives. This means they will text you back faster than even your closest friends. With their abundant free time, they put lots of thought into their responses and they don’t mind giving you a double, triple, no, wait, septuple text.
So, is Facebook the place for you to embark on your first relationship? God no! I hope you said no or else you’ve misunderstood everything I’ve said worse than an ignorant bachelor misunderstands 500 Days of Summer. But is it the place for you to go from time to time to safely flirt while remaining peacefully single? Absolutely.
