Written by Ana Staskevich, Peak Associate
Forgive me, SFU trash-panda gods, for I have sinned.
Disclaimer: I’m actually a PRETTY GOOD student with a decent enough GPA — well, I’m not on academic probation, at least. And I know that classes require a lot of effort. But sometimes they’re just way too hard and the professors . . . well, they don’t make things ANY easier!
Okay, I’ll just come out with it — I manipulated my professor into starting the tapeworm diet.
Look, I know that sounds insane. But what’s more insane is just how hard it is for me to dig this shady, underground matter back up after hiding it for half a year!
It all started last fall, when I entered my third year as a kinesiology major. (Are you feeling a bit more sympathetic now?) I took on my usual full course load, thinking things would be fine. Well, spoiler alert: by the midpoint of the semester, I swear my professors were co-conspiring to ruin me with project after project. On Week 7 of the semester alone, I stretched out so many assignments to meet the length requirement mark that you’d think I was directing another season of 13 Reasons Why.
I thought I had things somewhat under control. . . that is, until after exams, where I found out the final marks for one of my classes. I was just a hair away from a solid B+. Yet, when I so nicely asked my professor to bump it up to save my GPA, he flat-out refused. Imagine that: constructing a nice, thoughtful email in which I politely called him a kinesiology fraud who got his PhD out of a cereal box, and all I got back was “no — sent from my Samsung Fridge” in response.
So, I constructed a plan out of pure spite. I started coming to him under the ruse of research for my honours thesis that focused on diet and nutrition — specifically, the tapeworm diet. It was going to be titled “My Parasite and Me: WormFast Regime” and it was exactly what it sounds like. I hyped up my professor by providing “peer reviewed” benefits, like rapid weight loss, clearer skin, a new parasitic friendship, and ascension to a spiritual world.
Truth be told, a lot of these peer reviewed articles came from the blogs of various recondite cultists, but who am I to doubt their professionalism?
Anyway, somehow, this son of a bitch bought into it and decided to try it so I could have “data” for my faker-than-ever thesis. A week after this email exchange, I met up with him during his office hours and saw that he had actually bought tapeworm eggs and already ingested one, waiting for that nasty bitch to hatch. That’s when I knew I had to bounce . . . My work was complete.
I quickly changed majors to avoid ever having to see his face, but last I heard, he was a walking and talking zombie (a slim-thicc zombie). Allegedly, he keeps falling asleep during lectures, grading things late, forgetting the names of students and spacing out mid-conversation. In other words, not much of a change compared to when I had his classes. . .
I was told that he was taking a leave to undergo extensive surgery to get that demon worm removed, but I am just happy I won’t have to accidentally run into him in the line-up at Tim Hortons or something.
Now you may be wondering . . . if I had a chance to do it all over again, would I? The answer is YES! No one gets between me and my grades — he deserved it for not rounding up my 55% to a B+!