Written by Kelly Chia, Staff Writer
“Baby.” A one-word concept that has swept Twitter like renewed wildfire. The innocence, the dreaming, the heartbreak, the meme-ing . . . when that adorable little photo of Kirby points to the blackboard, millions scream back “IM BABY” in solidarity.
But not everyone who’s baby understands that it’s come time to answer their calling. They know who they are in their bones, but their brains haven’t caught up. “Am I baby?” these emotional castaways query themselves. “Or am I just a broke, lazy bitch?”
If you don’t know who you are, then this quiz is here to coddle and guide you. Answer these questions to find out whether you really are baby, or if you’ll have to settle for one of THREE totally arbitrary consolation options designed to distract you from the fact that, wait a second, you actually have to be accountable for your own actions.
1. Have you done your readings this week?
a) I’d rather just ignore them and wing my thoughts in the tutorial!
b) I’ve already accepted that I will transcend my body and assume the form of an illiterate ghost this semester.
c) Of course! I’ve added extensive notes from various outside sources. I work so hard to earn gold stars — it’s not easy being me!
d) Miraculously, my books are actually a time machine. I’ll read a sentence, find myself detaching from this reality, and reawaken thirty seconds into the past, back when my eyes were still glaring at the start of the long, long run-on.
2. You have a paper due in two weeks! What are your ideas . . . do you have any?
a) What’s a paper? I’m a princess.
b) Time is too big a strain for me to spare a minute on trivial, mortal things like papers. Leave that for the spirited freshmen.
c) Don’t know why the TA even considers marking any other papers when they have a student like me — I’ve got my papers planned for the next five years, sweetie!
d) Sure, I have some ideas: I plan to exacerbate my stress levels until the very last day, where a decent paper will simply print itself from the slit between my brain’s two hemispheres. Works like a charm!
3. How do you feel about your major?
a) [Sonic voice] Heh, that’s… no good!
b) How do I feel? I don’t — the campus has been draining my emotions for years, and I am just a husk dredging my sweats to class. It’s less cathartic than it sounds.
c) I’m so passionate about the work I’m doing, and know that this is only the next stepping stone for something greater! Like Broadway.
d) I’m not sure. I’m just making ends meet in a blind crawl toward graduation.
4. How many hours of sleep do you get?
a) Enough to remain functional, but not nearly the 12+ hours I deserve.
b) [Wry chuckle] That’s cute. If I can get my numb, grubby hands on a nice bench at the bottom floor of WMC, I can get a few hours in.
c) I get a full night’s rest, and wake up refreshed for my 8:30 a.m. classes! Morning classes are great, guys, you get the whole day to pamper yourself! And I’m used to them after taking early-morning dance classes since I was five years old.
d) [Visibly shaking] That depends on how much time I devote to worshipping my eldritch horror of choice: the all-seeing fog that swallows SFU whole.
5. What’s your ideal professor?
a) Someone who is ready to create for me a world where student loans don’t exist and there are no financial obligations EVER.
b) Someone who can directly ascend me to my rightful place in the immaterial realm. Please.
c) Someone who realizes how much untapped potential I have! Seriously, where are those internship offers? I’m the star of the show here.
d) Someone who will fall for the façade and mystique of size-12 Times New Roman font, never noticing that it’s all just chicken scratch.
If you answered mostly “A’s”. . . You are BABY.
You’ve assumed the role of baby . . . you no longer wake up in a cold sweat thinking about your final papers, but in ignorant bliss of your responsibilities. I get it, work is nasty and scrolling through Twitter feeds yelling “mood” is . . . one hell of a mood. Be sure to take responsibility by dropping the phrase, “I’m soft uwu” in your papers to remind your professors.
If you answered mostly “B’s”. . . You are A TIRED GHOST POSSESSING A STUDENT’S BODY.
So you’re at the point in your education where you’ve become a shell. You’re just trying to get by, but the handy-dandy deadline demon doesn’t scare you anymore. But hey, it’ll be over one day. Even though summoning the motivation to care has become even harder than the ritual the summoned you back to the earthly plane, you’re not going to be in this money-sucking hellhole forever. And with luck, you’ll be able to keep clinging to your borrowed mortal shell long enough not to end up in the actual hellhole. Cheers!
If you answered mostly “C’s”. . . You are GLEE ICON RACHEL BERRY.
Where do you get that energy from? The rest of us wish we had enough perseverance to be just like you. You have so much unquenched motivation in you because you haven’t lost your focus, and that’s cool. You probably host a studyspo blog where you share your favourite supplies that the rest of us just follow enviously. Keep doing you!
If you answered mostly “D’s”. . . You are JUST TRYING YOUR BEST.
Hey, honestly . . . you’re a hot mess, but that’s okay! There’s a never-ending pile of work at your desk, and I promise you that one day, it’ll be gone. Sometimes, while pulling ideas out of your ass, you might accidentally pump out a mind-boggling academic thought! And if that’s not what being an academic is about, I don’t know what is.