Written by: Gabrielle McLaren
Photo by: Chris Ho
On the evening of July 16, SFU Security heroically saved a first-year student from a group of fourth-year Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences students who were attempting to ritually sacrifice the freshman in hopes of securing better enrolment dates.
The saved student, English and history joint-major Remy Thompson, was abducted by the party of fourth-years while standing alone in the dark at the edge of the woods where the temporary lower bus loop stop is located. Thompson was hoping to go home and finish his sudoku before bed as a reward after a long day of studying and staying hydrated.
The Peak, SFU’s ambulance chasers, rushed to the scene of the crime to meet Thompson moments after his rescue. A trembling Remy hugged an aluminum foil blanket to himself as he recounted the ordeal.
“When they took the blindfold off, I realized that they had brought me to a clearing in Burnaby Mountain Park,” Remy shuddered. “The fourth-years were erecting a large stake above a bonfire sustained on printed syllabuses and SFU grad school pamphlets. There was a lot of chanting and some candles I recognized from the gift section of Indigo book stores. I really thought that was it for me.
“I closed my eyes and my last thoughts were, I hope my group project members finish the presentation and deliver it with professionalism and panache without me. And then SFU Security arrived and I realized that I was saved.”
According to Thompson’s advisor, the first-year has a 4.0 GPA, a loving family, a supportive boyfriend, good posture, and an avant-garde fashion sense which culminated into his reception of three entrance scholarships, each personally deposited into his bank account in the form of cold, hard cash by Andrew Petter. Thompson is an active SFU community member, the president of his departmental student union, a student athlete on SFU Curling, and he also volunteers at a soup kitchen once a week. He holds a seat on SFU Senate. Since covering his story, the entire Peak staff has fallen in love with him, and we’ve hung posters of his face around our office, too.
The Peak managed to break into the specialized occult detention facility where the dissident students were being held for an exclusive interview with the party leader to find out more about what drew them to human sacrifice.
“All hail the breath of his life,” the student said to our reporter in a ghoulish voice that have caused them unstoppable stress dreams to this day. “All hail the lucky blood in his veins and the glorious light in his eyes. Drink his life, drink his blood, take his light! The 11:30am tutorial will be mine!”
At this point, our reporter fled the scene and briefly considered abandoning student journalism entirely to become an SFU tour guide. However, their editor convinced them to speak to Adam Smith, the SFU Security guard who was the first to arrive to the grizzly scene.
“I don’t know,” said Total Hero Smith. “I think they were trying to absorb the kid’s life force? His enrolment date was May 6, how fucking wild is that?”
Currently, SFU Security is opening an investigation to determine if this strange occultist trend may explain a string of disappearances on campus that took place from 1973–87, 1995–2002, and 2019–?
