Horoscopes
Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: June 14–20
June 15, 2021By: Tiffany Chang, Peak Associate Aries: You will find yourself crawling on all fours trying to get back to your Zoom class after your feet fell asleep from a half an hour on the closest toilet. My advice: be the great multitasker that you are! Wiggle your piggies while taking the stinker, so those pins and needles aren’t as agonizing. Taurus: Take a swift but thorough look over both shoulders before making your sixth (or 12th, or 905th) Etsy purchase this month. Everyone loves resorting to retail therapy, but not when the people you’ve spent every day with for the…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: June 7–13
June 5, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Staff Writer ARIES: Don’t let your goals get ahead of you! Invent a new hobby so you can always be the best at it. Underwater ping-pong? Zombie cosplay gymnastics? Vlogging your cheese puff reviews? Your pick. TAURUS:…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: May 31–June 6
May 31, 2021By: Sara Brinkac, SFU Student and Certified Star Whisperer ARIES: Mercury says it won’t come out of retrograde until you stop eating so much processed sugar. Just one vegetable, Aries. Please. TAURUS: Your moon and stars don’t seem to be…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: May 24– 30
May 23, 2021By: Ana Arozarena, SFU Student ARIES: I slid down Lil Nas X’s pole to hell to gather this advice: wear your sunscreen. All the smoking hot demons do it, and so should you! Even Satan (who’s currently going through a…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: Pokémon edition
May 17, 2021By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor ARIES: Your fiery spirit will give you the motivation to light a flame this week, just like a Darmanitan going into its Zen Mode. With Jupiter’s planetary ingress into Pisces, you will be full of…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: May 10–16
May 10, 2021By: Kyla Dowling, Humour Editor ARIES: Don’t forget the sayings you were raised on: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say something mean.” “When opportunity knocks on your door, run.” “Treat others the way you were treated when…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: April 5–11
April 5, 2021By: Gurleen Aujla, Peak Associate ARIES: You’ve waited until the last minute to watch your lecture recordings and you’re furiously trying to learn about the difference between prosimians, monkeys, and apes at four times speed. Try throwing your laptop in…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 29–April 4
March 29, 2021By: Charlotte Gravert, Peak Associate As spring arrives, the animals are waking up from hibernation! Who, you wonder, is your mammalian lookalike? The stars hold the answers . . . ARIES: Imagine this: you are walking in the park minding…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 22–28
March 22, 2021By: Charlotte Gravert / Peak Associate Happy Equinox, everyone! You are formally invited to the annual spring fever infection party! Mild to severe symptoms are expected and may include . . . ARIES: Are you feeling hot, Aries? Is your…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 15–21
March 15, 2021By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer Aries: Wow. You’re so sexy, Aries. Like really hot. You know what else is sexy? Submitting your assignments on time and washing your sheets. You’re two missed discussion boards away from an F and two…
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