ARIES: Everyone shuns you for the water containers piling up in your room, but what about the unabashed fake scenarios you fall asleep to each night? Thirsty doesn’t even begin to cut it, but I’m sure you can imagine what might.
TAURUS: Do you press the toaster lever down again in shame when your toast doesn’t toast enough, or do you suffer with slightly crisped bread? Why don’t all toasters toast toast to the same toastiness? Who the hell made toast a verb and a noun? After typing “toast” that much, I’m not even sure it’s a word at all.
GEMINI: Allergies scaring you and others during this pandemic? I’ve heard chasing a double Fireball shot with a snort of freshly cracked black pepper can help clear your sinuses. And your schedule. Because you’ll be dead.
CANCER: They never said falling in love was easy, but neither is mutually raising your eyebrows and trying to reach the outer edge of your bottom lip with your top teeth. Oh my god, with a look like that, maybe it is easy falling in love . . .
LEO: If you find yourself getting distracted during lectures, try buying a little tub of Play-Doh and fiddling with it. You’ll have no idea what your TA said, but you’ll end up with a dragon-turned-snake. Not a failure, but a happy accident. Right?
VIRGO: We’re heading back to school in person during your season. Honestly, I’m so glad it’s yours and not Leo’s. They’re still mad about their lack of Play-Doh skills and I just couldn’t handle more uncertainty about university.
LIBRA: Some guy in an IKEA parking lot once told me, “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.” In your case, love kinda looks like a tall, glasses-endowed hunky cook. It’s, uh, it’s the Colonel from KFC. Maybe close your eyes and turn off your mind next time.
SCORPIO: Make a splash this week, Scorpio! Go to a lake that’s way too cold to swim in, dip one toe in, and then throw Leo’s failed Play-Doh concoction in to make them cry instead.
SAGITTARIUS: In a world full of Times New Roman typers, be an Arial one. Kind of annoying, but not bad enough for professors to really do anything to change you. You’ve broken the code. You’re dismantling higher education’s hierarchical structure as we speak.
CAPRICORN: You’re such a calm and collected sign. If I told you mischievous is actually pronounced “miss-chee-vis” and there is no extra “I,” you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. What if I also told you babies don’t develop tear ducts until three months, so that explains why Pisces is always trying to make up for lost time?
AQUARIUS: Accidentally closing all the tabs you were using is the least of your worries this week. You can restore them all quite easily, but can you now see your nose at the bottom of your vision since I pointed it out to you?
PISCES: The stars are showing me idioms to help you out this week, Pisces. They’re really lending me a hand. But one in the hand is worth two in the bush. But don’t beat around the bush. Also don’t beat a dead horse. But maybe hold your horses.
