Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 29–April 4

A cartoon woman surrounded by Zodiac symbols. She has a yellow dress and orange hair and holds one of the floating symbols.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Charlotte Gravert, Peak Associate

As spring arrives, the animals are waking up from hibernation! Who, you wonder, is your mammalian lookalike? The stars hold the answers . . .

ARIES: Imagine this: you are walking in the park minding your own business, when a rampaging Canadian goose starts chasing you. What the hell? you might think. But have you ever seen yourself typing that email to your TA complaining about a half-point missing? You’re soulmates.

TAURUS: You are the teddy bear of our childhood, always there to comfort us when times get rough. But on the odd day out, when life is pulling on your fluffy ear one too many times, you turn into the scariest of the creatures. Never, ever poke the bear. 

GEMINI: Somewhere between an adrenaline hunter and someone bad at self-preservation, you somehow manage to constantly put yourself in both emotional and physical danger, like a squirrel running over a bustling street. I don’t want to run you over, so it’s on you if I send my car off the road, jerk!

CANCER: You’ve heard it all before: you’re a hermit crab, the home bod, the crustacean who’s hiding in their shell. From here on out, pinch those comments in the butt! There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. Let them come to you for advice on everything: love, life, how to prepare crab legs . . .

LEO: I haven’t seen a lion in real life, but I have seen fluffy dogs pulling their overwhelmed owners all through Stanley Park. They know they are worth the money. They know they are hypoallergenic. They know they are the first choice of the Baracks, a previous presidential family. You, friend, are a purebred doodle. 

VIRGO: You listen to ASMR videos when you are stressed. You probably get a similar sensation from watching oddly satisfying TikToks, too. Like a spider following an imaginary perfect pattern, symmetry just makes you feel good. Too bad your pretty webs catch all kinds of things, even the unsolicited dick pics. 

LIBRA: Dear God, send me a Libra. Like otters floating through the ocean, you can’t help but put a smile on others’ faces. You hold hands with your partner so you don’t drift apart at night, for goodness’ sake. Make sure your hands don’t get too clammy overnight, though.

SCORPIO: Based on looks, it’s hard not to fall in love with you. With your adorable stripes, we might mistake you for a cat, but unlike a cuddly kitty, you roam the streets at night. If someone crosses you, that would be a rotten situation for them. Got it yet? No? That stinks.

SAGITTARIUS: You love being the class clown, but somehow, you always take the joke too far. When you dropped your phone in the trash, did you really have to smack the whole thing over and spread its content across the sidewalk? At least you’re used to wearing a mask, though, raccoon.

CAPRICORN: Which animal do you think has a retirement plan set up while still in college? A beaver. No other critter is so meticulous about their homestead. I bet they even pay taxes the day they get their T4 slips. We bow to your work ethic. It’s a DAMning responsibility.

AQUARIUS: Have you ever seen a seagull steal a half swallowed starfish from another? They’re ruthless. You are ruthless. If you want it, you get it. If that means getting creative, you will reinvent the wheel. Or just steal from hoomans; it turns out their food is even tastier. 

PISCES: What is the number one Disney movie to make you cry? Correct, it’s Bambi. But do you know why it hurts so bad? Because his mother was selfless. We know you’d catch a grenade for us, throw your hand on a blade for us. Jump in the middle of the forest clearing for us . . .

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