By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Aries
March 21–April 19
I was gossiping with the stars about you, and they said that you’re stubborn, so you’ll probably think you’re invincible all year. Close your damn incognito Google flights tab. The Boeings are falling apart! #StayGrounded
Taurus
April 20–May 20
Celeb lookalike contests were all the rage in 2024. No wonder the stars are warning you to look closely at all the pictures on Hinge. Listen to the most followed woman on Instagram when she says ““Everything Is Not What It Seems.”
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Listen Gemini, even though you feel like the get-together is going great and everyone is having fun, overstaying your welcome is rude. The stars are begging you not to be a Trudeau this year.
Cancer
June 21–July 22
My sweet Cancer, the stars are not your therapist. They might listen to you, but they’re under no obligation not to judge. The stars predict you will do a lot of opening up this year and that they will do a lot of side-eyeing.
Leo
July 23–August 22
If someone offers you an orange pill this year, say, “No, thanks! I only take drugs that have been tested. I also don’t take anything from people who build a private gym in their workplace for no reason.” Trust the stars. This oddly specific situation will happen this year.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
I know, 2025 is the year of regulating your nervous system, but not everywhere is an appropriate spot for a deep inhale and an even deeper exhale. Careful! The Stanley Park train is coming. The stars are begging you to hold your breath!
Libra
September 23–October 22
Once you’ve voted, there’s really no point in staring anxiously at your screens waiting for the election results. Instead, the stars advise that you use that time to dye your hair, baby your bang, and pluck eyebrows. #Don’tShavePuss #LookCuteInTheFaceOfFacism
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Just because it felt like there was an aurora borealis every other week in the Lower Mainland in 2024, it does not mean you should spend the upcoming year looking up. The stars are up there and they’re shy!
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
There will be another Wicked movie in 2025, but leading up to it, it would be unwise to make every holiday about Shiz. Elphaba on the Shelfaba was enough (too much even). We do not need to be Glindafying Cupid in February and hiding the Easter Bunny from the authorities that are trying to cage him in April.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
You were very demure and very mindful all of 2024 and where did that get you??? The stars suggest trying to be very aggressive and careless this year. No idea where that will land you but the stars are making their popcorn to watch the mess from the sky.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Aquarius, the stars told me to tell you that in 2025 someone is going to screw you over. They’re going to make a ridiculous decision that is going to lead to a deeply annoying result that was entirely preventable. But you’re going to handle it like a champ. The goSFU outage of 2024 has emotionally, spiritually, and psychically prepared you.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
In 2024, we got Kate Middleton BBL allegations before GTA 6. We also got Lorde and Charli working it out on the remix before GTA 6. We even got a fake Crumbl cookie pop-up in Australia before GTA 6! But in 2025, if you ask super nicely, the stars just might align and you’ll get GTA 6. #NoPromises
