Unpacking patriarchal self-help

By: Yildiz Subuk, Staff Writer

The self-help industry, meaning books, media, and services geared towards personal growth and improvement, has grown to become a billion-dollar industry — in 2022, the self-help genre accounted for 17% of non-fiction book purchases in Canada. Among these books is something I call “patriarchal self-help.” Under patriarchy, men seek power and are convinced that their value is determined by how much power they have, or how well they can fit traditional notions of masculinity. A glaring problem arises in this culture; men feeling shame for, and never truly understanding, their own emotional needs. It leads to feelings of isolation, unfulfillment, and misdirected anger that affects both themselves and everyone within proximity.

Examining some of the most popular books regarding self-help geared toward men, I noticed a pattern — they all push the narrative that men need to take control of their lives, become dominant in their respective fields, and portray a sense of value. The titles of these books reveal a lot: Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and 48 Laws of Power. To contrast, feminist self-help literature tends to focus on advocacy, healing, and emphasizes emotional intelligence. Books like All About Love or the Will to Change by bell hooks, focus on nurturing relationships.

“Self love cannot flourish in isolation.” — bell hooks in All About Love

In a survey from 2021, about 15% of Canadian men aged 15–34 reported often feeling lonely, and about half of them have also reported poor mental health. Men account for about 75% of suicides in Canada, and they’re at increased risk, three times more likely, of experiencing substance use disorders; in BC alone men accounted for over 753 of overdose deaths in 2020. Loneliness is partly driven by societal expectations that men need to focus on career-driven motives, excel financially, and “toughen up.” As a result, many men have trouble opening up, which can block opportunities for close friendships and also prevent them from seeking out mental health support. Those who grew up in patriarchal environments have trouble communicating their feelings. They are taught to “man up” and deal with their problems by themselves, without relying on external support.

How can we understand ourselves without first understanding the relationships we have with others? If we cannot give words to our feelings, then acknowledging how we are affected by them becomes a confusing process.

Conceptions about masculinity differ from culture to culture, but the most normalized ideal is men that are tall, strong, have good facial hair, and are reserved when it comes to showing emotion. The pressure to fit this mold distorts men’s perception of themselves and is reinforced through best-selling books.

Patriarchal self-help often frames betterment in relation to becoming the “ideal man,” however, this term implies that there is only one proper way to be a man, which is untrue — there is no singular form of masculinity.

While not everything within the self-help space is useless, or necessarily negative, there is a shocking lack of self-help books for men written by psychologists. Self-help cannot be achieved if there is no understanding of the root cause.

While there are self-help books that are written by psychologists, all the previously mentioned ones do not take a psychological approach. They are written with the intent to sell, not help. 48 Laws of Power, for example, is a clear example of a title that attracts attention. However, examining the contents of this book can be appalling as it teaches manipulation tactics and gives historical accounts of powerful figures using such tactics efficiently. Within the table of contents, author Robert Greene has listed each law of power with a brief explanation. Some examples include “get others to do the work for you, but always take the credit,” “learn to keep people dependent on you,” and most alarming “use selective honesty and generosity to disarm your victim.” These are specific tactics that abusers use to manipulate others — the normalization of the phrase “your victim” is indicative of harm. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, “teaches” a superficial form of self-help, encouraging people-pleasing to advance your image.

These books’ approach to viewing others as collateral damage in the ultimate goal of building infinite money and success shows how patriarchy and capitalism are one and the same. If dominance is a way of demonstrating value, then the understanding of value is deeply flawed. Dominance is a toxic masculine trait.

Books that teach exploitative behavior are often grouped with works like All About Love. If the primary goal of a self-help book is to entice rather than encourage reflection, then who is really being helped– yourself or the author?

Navigating emotion, as well as understanding the need for connection (verbalizing what one is going through), should be the first steps taken towards self-help.

Examples of resources, which focus on the importance of empathy and emotional intelligence as a means of self-help: