By: Cam Darting, Peak Associate
Aries
March 21–April 19
I can smell the confidence oozing out of you as you read this. Aries my friend, you better work. It’s almost August and I know you have been doing jack shit this summer. Put the sluttiest thing you have on and PARTYYY. Whether it’s going to the beach wearing almost nothing, or dancing on a yacht, you need to get yourself out there. Show the world that beautiful face God gave you. #bratsummer
Taurus
April 20–May 20
It’s time you took the reins of your life back. How are you letting everyone walk over you?!?! Are you not ashamed of being a doormat? Being a Taurus is not an excuse for having no self-respect. Get up, and say no for once. Your people-pleasing days are over. It’s time you realized how much of a bhaddie you really are.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
How do I say this nicely, turn it down. Turn it all down. Sometimes you are too much. Not too much like there’s no such thing as too much cheese, but too much as in omg there is too much spice in my food; somewhat wanted, but not to this caliber. But hey, it’s better than being nothing at all so I guess a win is a win?
Cancer
June 21–July 22
If you yell at one more person this week, you’re gonna need to get treated for anger management. Why don’t you let Anger stop steering the wheel and let Joy take over for once huh? I bet as you read this you’re probably getting angry…If it makes you less mad, you have a beautiful soul <3 (just not when you’re yelling 24/7😇)
Leo
July 23–August 22
You’re a star baby. Keep doing you because your energy is amazing. Kinda annoying sometimes and you always wanna show off, but besides that, a star! People are just jealous of you since you’re so perfect but like valid no?
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Knock knock. Who’s there? Nobody because everyone is tired of hearing you complain. I get it, you are expressive and that’s great! But sometimes it’s a bit much, even for you Virgo. In the wise words of Rihanna, Shut up and drive. Actually in this case, just shut up pls and ty <3 (shoutout my Virgo sisters tho love y’all)
Libra
September 23–October 22
Hey Gorgina, the bhaddest of all the signs. Babes I’m gonna need you to step out of that house of yours for once okay? It’s hot girl summer and the rose toy is getting old. You need some real **** in your life. Or kitty cat if you’re into that.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
I thought I was weird till I met you Scorpio. You’re actually weirder than me. You’re so weird Robbie Shapiro looks at you and says “wow, Scorpios are so weird”. And you know what, that is okay. It is time to embarrass this trait Scorpio because in 2024, we don’t give a f***.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
It’s time to wake up babe. Sagittarius, you are the most loyal person I know. You’re more loyal than Beyoncé when Jay Z cheated on her and she still stayed. Is this a good thing? IDK. I sense that there are people who wronged you multiple times yet you continue to be their friends. You and Beyoncé both are too good for this! Cut the fake bitches off and THRIVE.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
Silence . . . radio silence since I have nothing to say. The elite star sign, keep doing you mama. You are the reason why happiness exists in this world. The day you stop existing is the day mankind is doomed.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
My favourite nerd. Sometimes you are too smart for your own good. It’s okay to look dumb. Sometimes it’ll even get you further than being smart. I bet you’re doing research on this rn to see if what I’m saying is true. Sometimes, just trust me okay?
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Everyone wants to either be you or in you. You ms thang, are the ideal. You are the mold. You are the basis of everyone’s desires. You are the Beyonce of all the signs. Pipe it down. Leave some for the rest of us okay?
