By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer and C Icart, Humour Editor

News anchor: Alexa, play “7 rings” because the minimum wage is increasing to a whopping $17.40 in BC. I sat down to interview an excited Minimum Wage Worker (MWW) about how his life will change now that he’ll be rolling in cash! Take a look at the footage. 

A clip of the news anchor trying to ask a fast food worker questions in the middle of their shift starts playing. 

News anchor: Good afternoon, Minimum Wage Worker. How are you feeling about today’s news regarding a minimum wage increase?

MWW: Ah, yes, well, I was just itching for you to ask! (to the crowd of angry customers) Order number 463! 463! Not you, ma’am, I know you didn’t order this. (to the news anchor)  I feel warm, fuzzy, and splendid after hearing about the minimum wage increase. I might be able to afford to only have seven roommates instead of eight. But only if my landlord stops threatening to evict us so his imaginary family member can move in. 

News anchor: That’s amazing! So, what will you spend your extra funds on going forward? 

MWW: I’m so glad you asked! I simply cannot wait to splurge. Instead of choosing between my favourite cruciferous vegetables at the grocery store, I’ll buy both broccoli and cauliflower next week! (to the entitled customer who is yelling even louder than the others) No, sir. I did not charge you for ice cream because we don’t sell ice cream. We keep the machine broken, hoping you won’t come back. (to the news anchor) Are you going to buy anything? 

News anchor: (ignoring the question) Talk about money bags! How would you like to thank those who made this increase possible, you know, the big wage increase bosses? 

MWW: Ah, yes, well, boy, do I have a mouthful for them! Nothing brings me more joy than finding out that I’ll get a bigger wage and then realizing that it won’t even be remotely close to liveable. At this point, I might as well just live in a shoe. The government swoops in thinking they’re the financial saviour and all, but they’re jet-setting around the world, living in mansions, and blowing money like raindrops of climate change that aren’t coming down! This broke bitch ain’t affording a house anytime soon, or even a cardboard box-converted tiny home, for that matter. (to the customer who just walked in, definitely making the building overcapacity) Ma’am, I told you last week that that rare venomous snake is not a service animal! Order 465! 465! Cheeseburger, no cheese that is most certainly not a hamburger! 

News anchor: Wow! It’s so great to hear about the joy you’re experiencing! Can you elaborate on other ways this increase is changing your life? 

MWW: Ah, yes, well, if it weren’t for this minimum wage increase, I’d still be . . . drumroll please . . . broke! Trust me, I’d love to be rolling in so much dough that I could pay off my grocery and rent debt combined, but please, that only happens in fantasy land! I guess I better fly to Disneyland, where all our livable wage dreams come true! — Excuse me, I need to go; there’s an influencer trying to clean our bathroom again. 

MWW starts running after a woman who is spraying pink cleaning foam everywhere. The camera cuts back to the newsroom. 

News anchor: Well, this heartwarming story wraps up our broadcast for tonight. Thanks for tuning in, and if you got a raise, make sure not to spend it all in one place!