By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer
Well, the big corporate executives are about to throw a big ol’ showdown of the great battle of grocery stores versus telecommunication expenses. Who’s screwing over Canadians more? Get down and dirty with the debate tonight at the Canadian Screw-Over Executive Corporation Headquarters in Ottawa. Stream the showdown live on the Outrageous Rip-Off Streaming Platform at 8:00 p.m. EST/5:00 p.m. PST — and don’t forget that funky half-hour difference of 8:30 p.m. in Newfoundland. All those East Coast seafood sailors out in the very tip of the Atlantic are basically time travellers, living a half-hour ahead and predicting the executive dispute before it becomes a literal shipwreck.
With so much to offer in-store — and by that, we know only what’s left of the remnants of $100 cans of soup that no consumer is frugal enough to scoop up — grocery-goers will be predicting debate outcomes faster than the sale of no name expired yeast packs flying off the shelves. Aspiring bakers can pocket some hard-earned cash for a rainy day, to flaunt a soft, delectable sourdough in the faces of corporate grocery executives. These expense executives supposedly enjoy a lavish loaf made from three simple ingredients of yeast, salt, and water, that would otherwise require the average Joe to put a down payment on a crusty loaf. With so many pricey predictions to ponder over during tonight’s quest, a plausible palate of costly consequences and outrageous outcomes will be all the talk of the town. The debate is sure to be streamed on every device across the country as telecommunications won’t be able to keep up and stress-eating snacks will empty the aisles.
Big corporate will be battling it out in a big ol’ debate that’ll cost you a penny bigger than the size of the Big Nickel. As if Canadian consumers haven’t already fallen victim to the executives’ exacerbated expense tactics, to simply watch the debate, you’ll have to buck up and pay a hefty price as surmountable as your outrageous grocery and phone bills combined. What a scare tactic for your poor bank account! What a corporate screw-over at its absolute diamond-studded, black-tie, mansion-on-a-hill-living finest!
Surely, Galen Weston Jr. will be spitting out one expense-infused escapade after another, to no avail when it comes to his schemes on the price of cauliflower costing more than the overage charges on every phone plan offered in the country. Seemingly, Rogers, in partnership with Shaw, will tear a strip off the grocery giants by debating if their plans are the cheapest in the land. What a load of over-priced, vegan, soy-based bologna. On the contrary, those big-headed grocery corporate, carrot crunching executives will fabricate a comeback so delectable and debatable even the Superstore shelves will be gaslit into rolling back the prices.
Loblaws will lament in the sadness of losing the battle as they will regretfully relinquish the allegations made against them. Even still, we know they won’t do anything about it. Surprise, surprise! Consumer concerns came knocking and neither grocery corporate nor telecommunication corporate answered — just like leaving a solicited salesperson out to dry at your front door. Will consumers, once again, be left disappointed by the easily predictable directionless debate? Tune in tonight if you can spare the change!
