Youtube thumbnail with an influencer making an overexaggerated shocked face.
ILLUSTRATION: Alyssa Umbal / The Peak

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

Hi everyone! Welcome back to my channel! Can I get a little commotion in the comments for my new background? I wanted to make sure y’all could see my luxury purses. We’ve come a long way since I was filming these on my dingy bedroom floor. And I couldn’t have done this without all of you! My success is truly our success, even though my life has changed and yours has not. Can I get an amen (in the form of liking, commenting, and subscribing)?

Okay, so in honour of all the Sephora kids controversy, I will be doing my makeup as we jump back into what I personally think is the WILDEST storytime in the history of my channel. So grab your overpriced skincare and join me in pretending that my face looks like this now because of random shit I got in PR, and not because of all the filler and professional skincare treatments I get done.

Similarly, even though I only ever get my hair professionally done and I haven’t been spotted in public without extensions in years, today I will use my influencer status to convince you to buy — drumroll please — SOMETHING. SOMETHING is the solution to all your hair care problems. I’ve only used it once, and look! flips hair Irene would have nothing to say about these luscious long locks!  

Video switches to a clip of me on a different day. I look bored AF because I am. 

As much as I think I’d be serving Elle Woods realness in the courtroom, I’d rather not be involved in legal shenanigans. So, here’s my disclaimer: there is an ongoing lawsuit, and people have reported dealing with hair loss after using this brand.

Video switches back to the original setting, where I am definitely over-caffeinated. I had stopped by Panera for some lemonade beforehand. 

Use my code 40InchGate for 40% off the inflated price to feel like you got a deal! 

So anyways! Go watch my previous STORYTIME if you don’t know what this is about. I got a lot of comments of y’all agreeing with me about the burning down of my apartment, and I appreciate that! But I listened to my manager and did not sacrifice my living space to eliminate the spider that was terrorizing me. Instead, I did what I do best, I PUT THAT BITCH ON BLAST ON MY INSTAGRAM STORY. Cancelling is the new murder. Look that shit up, it’s in the criminal code. BTW this lipstick is soooo creamy. 

I already know everyone is going to be like girl what are you talking about you can’t cancel a spider. But I did! So, now what? I literally told the entire internet that that leggy bitch was monopolizing my bathroom. Because truthfully, if I wanted a shitty, inconsiderate roommate, I’d go back to undergraduate residence. Unrelated, but I think we should bring back 2016 levels of highlight to our cheekbones. Anyways . . .

Guess the fuck what. I know she saw that shit and I know she felt the shame. Because when I went back to my bathroom, SHE WAS GONE. You know what that means? Let me tell you what that means. It means— 

Video switches back to me looking bored. 

Okay, so, like, I had to stop filming because my mac and cheese got delivered and my therapist told me to always stop everything I’m doing for vegan mac and cheese. Like she didn’t say it in exactly those words but that’s the gist. Part three is coming soon I swear. 

Royalty-free outro music plays as I shove a huge spoonful of mac and cheese in my mouth.

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