SFU Alert: Transit strikes again

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Large group of people hiking up Burnaby Mountain. They all look unhappy and tired.
ILLUSTRATION: Angela Shen / The Peak

By: Sonya Janeshewski, SFU Student

January 23, 2024, 8:20 a.m.: All students are required to join the hiking club in light of the transit strike

Students
If you are enrolled in at least one course for the Spring 2024 term, you are now legally required to join the SFU hiking club due to the transit strike. Given that students attending class at the Burnaby campus were already used to a lack of accessibility, no accommodations will be made. This fitness extracurricular aims to strengthen our students both mentally and physically and weaken them financially and geographically, as everyone who doesn’t live in residence will surely have dropped out by now. Those who remain will be rewarded for their efforts by receiving certain club perks (covered by fees added to regular tuition costs, but let’s not talk about that right now). These include those small SFU water bottles, club T-shirts that read “I Paid $1K For a U-Pass BC Card and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”, and complimentary custom hiking shoes for whichever figurehead we appoint as club leader. You know, the kind bougie enough that when you’re walking down the hiking trail, someone would stop and be like, “hey, cool shoes,” and you’d be like, “thanks, man,” and then you both sort of nod, at each other before awkwardly passing by. 

Instructors and Staff
Instructors are given a choice of how to proceed with classes, to either move lectures and tutorials online or remain in-person. However, we recognize this is quite a challenging time for all our students who rely on transit, and to that, we say we do not care. If there were a not-caring competition, we would be finessing it right now. Oh boo-hoo, there’s no bus available? No one can drive you to school? You don’t have a license because you were going to get one in high school but kept delaying it because you thought you’d just do it in college, only now you’re three years into your fifth SFU degree and don’t have time to schedule it between classes and work because you’re slowly going broke from taking five degrees and so you steal money from your job since they won’t notice anyway, so your situationship, Todd, kicks you out of the apartment because now you’re an insurance criminal? Well, that happens to everyone sometimes — literally not our problem. We don’t care how you get to class; we just charge you for it. 

As previously stated, instructors may choose to proceed with classes however they see fit. However, they are strongly advised not to inform their students of this decision until exactly 11 minutes and 56 seconds before class is scheduled to start. Not a minute more. If you don’t click send on that vaguely-worded email exactly 11 minutes and 56 seconds before class starts, you’re fired. I’m sorry, that sounded silly. We will actually fire you. Time is money, and we can’t just go around giving it away for stupid reasons like class attendance. 

Other Campuses: 

Surrey
The movie Cars said “life is a highway,” so remember that as you cross the many you will encounter to get to this campus. And while thinking of the movie Cars, try not to get hit by one.

Vancouver
The campus is near Waterfront station, so get some water down your front and just swim on over there.

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