Are my devices allergic to Mr. Wi-Fi?

Or is Mr. Wi-Fi allergic to me?

Angry man holding and yelling at a laptop.
PHOTO: Bermix Studio / Unsplash

By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer

Nothing irks me more than the good ol’ Wi-Fi signal fading in and out just as I’m about to log in to my Canvas account and prepare for class on campus. Mr. SFU Wi-Fi sure loves to keep me on my toes, and his Computer Brain friends never know whether he’s going to show. As his girlfriend, it’s unbelievable that he treats me this way. His hazy lines disappear faster than they ever appeared as faint arc-shaped wisps escaping into the computerized abyss. To make matters worse, the entire campus-worth of students bog down his system like the stress that already lives rent-free in our heads. It’s a wonder that the school site doesn’t crash every two seconds between tens-of-thousands of students and my Wi-Fi man playing an endless teasing game of tag, enticing devices with every screen reload. 

Mr. Wi-Fi and I are really on again, off again. Sometimes, his parts work fine, and sometimes, they don’t. The guy’s really got a mind of his own, you know? He chooses which majors really turn him on and shies away from the spots on campus that are covered in layers of cement and concrete towers. He’s really not one for comfort or cramped spaces. Forget all the busy places around town, because Mr. Wi-Fi isn’t making the slightest flash of an appearance anytime soon. Abracadabra and he’s gone with the wind! I chase his signal like a ghost creeping through the night, light on my feet, and holding my breath with every move. Wi-Fi Guy’s favourite time to disappear is right as I’m about to write a quiz or study late into the night. I just love an unsaved quiz response that tanks my grade, thanks to Mr. Unreliable! 

On the other side, Mr. Wi-Fi’s next-door neighbour, the Computer Brain, is just not having it. I don’t know why I ever think that just because my Wi-Fi man isn’t into my laptop means that he’ll be turned on by my phone or iPad, because he isn’t . . . although, sometimes, he is. Believe me, I’m just as confused as all the Computer Brains out there. It’s an endless guessing game, but who am I to play cat and mouse with Mr. Wi-Fi’s stubborn signal? Just kidding; I am an elite Wi-Fi-tracker-downer. Such slithering skills come alongside the expertise of my degree, with a concentration in wasting my time reconnecting to the web. 

Mr. Wi-Fi comes to play on the Burnaby campus but doesn’t mess around when he’s downtown. Am I getting the wrong signal or what? I thought that would be worse for my guy — all those cement buildings in the city give “concrete campus” a run for its money. For whatever reason, Mr. Wi-Fi clearly likes the artsy school vibe because he sticks around a little longer, obviously faking his reliability just to show off. How theatrical! 

I really don’t know what the guy’s problem is, but he’s got some kind of issue with connecting to all his supposedly helpful computer neighbours and tech friends. He cheats on me as if I couldn’t see the signs. One minute, he’s in a relationship with Mr. Laptop, and the next, they’re “on a break.” Yesterday, he was besties with the iPad in Vancouver, but as soon as his Apple friend took him on a detour to Burnaby, he said “au revoir!” and gave poor iGuy the cold shoulder. Regardless, I thought the two of us were going pretty strong until he decided not to show up for our scheduled hot date of reading 200 pages on the first day. Clearly, Mr. Wi-Fi is not my man. So, yeah, we’re on a break now, too, but no doubt I’ll see him around soon. Ugh. What a way to reconnect.