By: Petra Chase, Arts & Culture Editor

Head ogre heels

You sit in the front row of my psychology course and I know the back of your mullet like a party I’d never forget. I sit quietly in the back and admire the way you’re able to relate every course concept to Shrek. I’d like to know more about why Donkey and Shrek modeled an anxious-avoidant attachment style, and don’t understand why the professor is always interrupting your insights. I’d like to unravel your layers like an onion, and be your noble stud.

— Donkey looking for his Shrek

Need for speed

I met you at a speed dating event, and the chemistry was immediate. As the five minute mark approached, I pulled my business card out from my wallet and handed it to you with a smooth “holla for a colla.” You beamed and said it was just what you needed. I later realized I’d accidentally given you my buy-one-get-one McDonalds McGriddle coupon card. If you’re reading this, please don’t use it. I’ll give you my address so you can mail it back to me — express shipping please.

— Hansel looking for his Griddle

Juicy encounter

You were wearing red lipstick and a tweed overcoat at Superstore. We were hitting watermelons to listen for the ripest one, drumming up a symphony in the produce aisle as “Me” by Taylor Swift ft. Brendon Urie played softly. You thumped the most hollow melon I have ever heard and our hands brushed together. I told you it must be a really juicy melon and you kindly said I could have it, and walked away. I devoured that melon when I got home, but all I could think about was how much sweeter it would have been to share with you.

— I’ll be waiting for you by the melons next week