By: Katie Walkley, SFU student
This week, WWE fans of British Columbia are celebrating with more fervour than Hulk Hogan flexing his win against Andre the Giant at WrestleMania 3. I know there are lots of peace-loving pumpkins out there who don’t know what I’m talking about. So, here’s the hoedown throwdown. To the utter joy of the guy who carries around the Vancouver for WrestleMania sign at every show, our very own Pitt Meadows has become the host of WrestleMania 42!
Before WWE made this, they had already gone through two locations. Their first choice — New Orleans — didn’t have the same bang for their buck as their next choice, the hip and happening Las Vegas. After turning their backs on Louisiana, the corporate weasels in charge of WWE financing went on a very necessary business trip to scope out their new location. During their trip, they “lost” the company card and found it maxed out at Circus Circus.
With no money, the jabronis had no choice but to look for a third location. Their desperation took them all the way to humble ol’ Pitt Meadows, where they found a local legend willing to let them use his farmland as a free arena in exchange for a wrestle with John Cena.
“This event is in line with our strategic tourist goals for 2050,” Pitt Meadows Mayor Nicole MacDonald told The Peak. “We haven’t had this much buzz in town since Jesus was born on one of our farms!”
Now that you’re up to speed, it’s time to dish on some anticipated drama.
The cargo in the gossip trains has told me that WWE superstar Naomi received her tractor licence soon after hearing news of the venue change. Looks like she’s still angry! Recently, she came clean about her secret backstage attack on Jade — she literally suplexed her onto the hood of a car. Ouch. All she wanted was to protect her friendship with her tag team partner Bianca. When her apology didn’t work, she threatened to hurt Bianca next. Hopefully, once they experience the peaceful farm life of Pitt Meadows, the girlbosses will reconnect. However, as someone who has had her days of rowdiness in her youth, I can tell you that the Meadow can bring the sour out of even the sweetest apple in the pie (and we all know that Naomi has that tartness to her).
We can also look forward to WWE’s modern take on jousting. This was one of the main conditions that Pitt Meadows had for hosting this event — given the fact that they have to pave so many new roads to accommodate all these darn tourists. That’s right, it’s exactly what you’d think: horseback wrestling. Some may say that this is even less advanced than jousting’s first appearance in medieval times. I would say, so is every so-called “modern” thing these days (you feel me, fellow oldies?). Anyways, WWE is calling all Pitt Meadovians to enter their mighty steeds into a draw that will choose which lucky beasts will carry our wrestling heroes into victory.
So, with all the information we have so far about next year’s WrestleMania, we are stuck tossing and turning over two burning questions: first, will Naomi make peace out of hate? Second, and most importantly, will Uncle Joe take down John Cena?
There’s only one way to find out. I’ll see you on the hay bales next spring for the biggest show that Pitt Meadows has seen since the farmer’s market of ‘05.
