By: Hailey Miller, Peak Associate

Surely, I can’t be the only one who checks my emails one by one but never bothers to delete any of them. What about seeing notifications from texts and group chats and letting them mingle in the Unread Graveyard? Just me? 

I wonder why my inbox is full in every social connection domain possible — from voicemails, to emails, and everything in between — and then I remember I never bothered making space for them in the first place. I mean, who even has time to sift through all those unopened messages and responses, let alone delete any of them? Not me. I have higher priorities, like watching my phone ring and letting it go straight to voicemail — which, by the way, is most likely full, so don’t bother leaving a message at the tone. I’ll get around to responding to your call, but it’ll be via text, and you’d better give it a week. On that note, if you wait long enough to actually hear my voice message, a voice that doesn’t even sound like my own will tell you to just “hang up already” and text me instead. Why are you calling me in the first place? Are you my doctor’s office? Any test results to report on for the lack of space in my inbox?

Let’s be honest; I don’t want to talk to you on the phone. What is this, the ‘90s? I’m a ‘90s baby, but I would never pick up the phone to talk to people — it’s too anxiety-provoking. I’d rather wait for the robotic “you have one new missed call” instead — or, better yet, “your inbox is full.” Oops.

Don’t even get me started on my message requests box from Instagram, or any other social media platform, for that matter. Oh, so you’re trying to reach me? Go for it. Am I going to respond? Probably not. Sorry, I don’t reply to those of you who try to slide into my DMs. You’re out of luck. You mention me in the group chat in hopes of getting my attention? Go ahead. By the time I see it, your message won’t even be relevant. My bad.

I guess I’m a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to replying to messages, emails, and texts that have no urgency whatsoever. Okay, that might be a bit of an understatement. But if it’s not that important, when exactly do you expect me to pencil in the time to scroll through the nonsense and catch up on gossip while letting my last remaining brain cells fry in front of a screen? Oh, right, I’ll chalk out the time late at night when I should really be sleeping. Perfect. 

Speaking of, allow me to enable “Do Not Disturb” for the evening, so I can at least silence your calls and messages until the morning, all while I surf the internet, scroll through videos, and blankly stare at my unread texts instead.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I actually responded to a message on time? Who am I kidding! I would never do such a thing. But, hypothetically, if I did, I would respond with a thick layer of sarcasm, annoyed at having to make even the slightest effort to reply to a text or return a dreaded call.

So, before I go, let me just check that one last email. Oh, never mind, it’s nothing important. Just another Summer Deals ad from an online store I forgot I subscribed to. Oh, and before you call me, remember: don’t leave your name and number after the beep, because I won’t be getting back to you anytime this week. 

TTYL! Just kidding.