By: Saije Rusimovici, Staff Writer
- Don’t root for the Vancouver Canucks
I get it — your grandfather’s grandfather was a fan. You spent your childhood looking up to FIN, watching the playoff games in the background during dinner (though those days are long gone). You can’t help but feel the itch to wear the team’s merchandise even though the jersey you have in the back of your closet is from 1991 (oh, how we miss dear Pavel). I think we all feel inclined to want to root for our home team (or maybe we just want something somewhat interesting to do on a Saturday night). Still, the continuous letdowns make it difficult to continue to do so — wait, was 2011 really over 10 years ago?
2. Get comfortable in the 1,000 sq ft apartment you’ll be renting out for the rest of your life
Housing costs in Vancouver are outrageous. So, prepare yourself to still live in the apartment you thought you would temporarily rent while you finish your graduate degree long after you’ve baby-proofed things. I suggest looking up video tutorials like: “Maximize use of your small space,” and, “how to keep your small home organized.” Unless, of course, you plan on moving to Abbotsford (AKA Abbots-FAR) . . .
3. Don’t live in Abbotsford
Unless you’re making frequent US trips, there’s absolutely no reason one would want to go there. Aside from visiting the pumpkin patch every fall, there isn’t much to see. You’ll spend the entire drive there asking are we there yet? And the whole ride back, asking, why did we go there? You might even get torticollis from craning your neck out the window for any signs of modern civilization: a Cactus Club, a Starbucks drive-through, give me something! Don’t plan any trips to downtown Vancouver unless you feel like making it a staycation.
4. Gas cards are the new currency
Ah, inflation. Filling up my little FIAT 500 for nearly $70 leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. One of the main reasons I bought this car was to save a little money on gas. If you find someone who gifts you gas instead of flowers, that’s how you’ll know they’re the one. I’m adding gas cards to my wedding registry, my baby registry, my Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday registries . . . and you should too. Still, I don’t think I’m driving out to any pumpkin patches any time soon . . .
5. Dress for the weather
As cliché as it may sound, an essential part of living in Vancouver is dealing with the constant rain. And spontaneous heat waves. And frosty snowstorms (is it really the holidays if the entire city hasn’t been shut down due to road conditions?) So make sure you have at least one waterproof jacket in your wardrobe (make it a SuperPuff if you really want to fit in) and a pair of clothes that are easy to change into in the back of your car. That way, you’ll be prepared if the forecast says it will be cold and windy, but half of the city has gone out to tan in the afternoon heat.
6. Don’t apply to UBC
There’s no need to go here. Seriously. I know, I know it’s a top research facility, or something or other. They have their own hospital there. They throw a few good parties. But hear me out. I know people who go to UBC who don’t even like their school. You practically have to drive across campus to get from one class to another. Not to mention that attending this school becomes your only personality trait.
7. Go to as many lakes as you can this summer (there’s nothing else to do)
Since happy hour prices are what regular-priced items used to be two years ago, spend this summer by a lake of your choice: Cultus, White Pine, Buntzen — we’ve got them all, and the ocean too. This is a cheaper alternative to sipping a spicy margarita at an overpriced and overhyped restaurant. This is BC, after all. It’s time to explore the great outdoors (also, it’s the cheapest activity you’ll find in this city).
8. Make friends with the wildlife
There’s nothing like stopping at a red light on Burnaby Mountain and coming face-to-face with a deer (I swear they try to make eye contact just to freak me out even more). I’m all for embracing nature, but I have to admit, Bambi got a little too close for comfort there. Vancouver has so many wild creatures running around that it shouldn’t be too unexpected. My suggestion is to befriend as many animals as you can — leave some nuts for the squirrel circling your porch, offer a polite wave at the black bear sifting through your garbage, and take some time to introduce the family pet to the raccoon family that seems to have made up its lodging in your yard. What, did I take being friendly to your neighbours too far?
9. Grow your own produce (groceries are so expensive)
Want to start a herb box this summer? You’re going about this the wrong way. Herbs are relatively inexpensive to get at the store. What you really need to do is figure out how to maintain some strawberry plants (but do they even grow here??), or you’ll have more debt from grocery shopping than your post-grad education. Some fruit trees would probably be a good idea too . . . maybe you could consider farming life. I hear there are some great properties available in Abbotsford . . .
10. Wear a glass helmet like Sandy from SpongeBob
Not only will this offer protection from the wildfire smoke and the virus that shall not be named, but it’s also a stylish alternative to a mask! No more smudged makeup. PRO TIP: the helmet can double as a container when you inevitably forget to bring reusable bags to the grocery store and as a mug when you want to avoid the cup fee at cafés still charging it (sneaky, sneaky).
