By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Hey! Don’t look at me like that. Yeah, that’s right, I can feel you judging me like my ex judged me, and my previous ex, and my previous ex . . . damn, I’ve been reading this book for a while. Listen, the book is good, and I refuse to DNF (meaning, Did Not Finish, if you’re not a pro reader, like me). I have simply been booked and busy. And by booked and busy, I mean the rise of short-form content has decimated my attention span. That does not mean I don’t remember what I’ve read. I do, at least I think I do; I’m not flipping the pages back to go check . . .
Sure, the Queen was still alive when I started the book, and people still used vaccine cards. Sure, I started and completed a master’s degree since I first began reading the book. Suuure, Biden had recently been inaugurated when I started. Now he’s preparing to run again (Alexa, play Biden by Bo Burnham). But still, I read.
All I have to do is open the book and read one word at a time. Rome was not built in a day, people! What’s the rush? I like to think I’m really getting to know the characters, soaking in all that world-building. How do you think authors feel when they pour their heart and soul into a manuscript for months, sometimes years, and you little overachievers read it in an afternoon and then harass them for a sequel?
Yes, that’s right! Not only am I refusing to be shamed for my reading pace, but I’m also going to start shaming all of you little book-ish nerds. Oh, how the turntables! You don’t get a cookie when you read the book really fast! The author doesn’t give you a high five at the end when you finish an 800-page brick without closing your eyes a single time.
Anyways, speeding is dangerous. Think about how many paper cuts I’ve avoided by taking my time. Don’t quote me on this, but I’m sure there’s a Harvard study out there confirming it’s a lot. And if there isn’t, maybe I should go to Harvard and do the study myself. What? Like it’s hard? The point is, I’m right.
Hear me out. Some people have been reading the Bible their whole lives and still haven’t finished, so . . . everything happens in time. The sun is out, and the air quality is sometimes okay, so I will sit outside this summer and work on this page-turner. It’s true, I’m going to — fuck it, let me get the audiobook.
