By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor
Gentle readers,
The Peak received an exclusive sneak peek of a script we are afraid of . . . the Among Us movie.
Today is a sad day.
Nay, it is a sussy day.
Read and mourn the death of innovation, my friends.
INT. SPACESHIP — 20XX
The residence of six crew members. Once they were coworkers, even friends. Now, the pristine white walls reminded them they were among enemies.
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
Space was supposed to be the next frontier . . . but it turns out we couldn’t overcome our greatest weakness: ourselves.
RED strides confidently into view. His bright neon space suit masks the horror on his face as he unmasks a death on the ship. Before him, GREEN laid face-first on the floor.
RED takes off his mask and flips his cropped hair, revealing . . . Chris Pratt.
RED/PRATT
Mamma mia! GREEN was meant to be the best of us! How could this happen?!
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
But deep down inside, CHRIS knew GREEN was weak. CHRIS and GREEN had a special relationship. When CHRIS had trouble swiping his ID card through the reader, GREEN would chuckle and help him. GREEN had human kindness. Perhaps that’s why they were the first to go.
Still, CHRIS knew what he had to do. He strutted suavely towards the emergency button and pushed down firmly! He’d be the HERO!
Three crew members slumped into the main office where RED was standing: YELLOW, BLUE, and PINK. Their identities are all obscured.
YELLOW speaks first.
YELLOW
What’s the big hoot, lil’ RED?
RED/PRATT
The “big hoot” is death. GREEN’s gone.
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
With this serious revelation, YELLOW removed their mask to convey their shock and sadness. The unmasked? VIN DIESEL. The camera holds on DIESEL so the audience can cheer at his cameo. Unseen, he clutches a pendant in his pockets. The camera reveals text reading: Familia.
DIESEL does a conciliatory dab before speaking.
YELLOW/DIESEL
That’s not very pogchamp. Where’d you find the body?
NARRATOR (Voiceover)
At this, CHRIS despairs. He thought he knew the ship, but it felt like a maze at times. He vaguely points at the NORTHWEST corner of the ship. Nobody looks impressed.
BLUE
Um, Chris, that’s a bit sussy. What do you mean you don’t know?
PRATT tosses some finger guns at BLUE in response.
PRATT/RED
Sorry, I . . . I use finger guns to cope. Anyways, I saw a dash of pink exiting the bathrooms right after I found GREEN! Where were you four minutes ago, PINK?
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
PINK (19 to play 45) heaved a deep sigh. Somehow in that space suit, PINK made herself distinctive. She was like Jessica Rabbit but in space. PINK purrs at CHRIS’ accusation like it doesn’t even bother her.
PINK
Fixing the Communications signal. You were right there at the body. Have a better answer than “I don’t know.”
PRATT/RED
Oof.
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
BLUE unmasks, revealing a surly hedgehog underneath. Out of the glove, a long, unlit cigar sits idly. BLUE is SONIC. He speaks with an uncharacteristically deep New York accent. He dabs.
BLUE/SONIC
So it’s you who killed our friend, eh? We don’t take well to liars on this ship.
PRATT/RED (EMOTIONAL)
GREEN was my friend first! I know I don’t know a lot out here, but neither do any of you!
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
Uh oh. CHRIS is in trouble. But what can he do against the legendary debating prowess of SONIC the HEDGEHOG? The crew seemed to descend into chaos, friends turned into enemies, enemies turned into imposters. Who was the killer?!
But it was sunset for the truth.
INT. SPACESHIP EXIT
The crew rounds up CHRIS, preparing to open the door seal.
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
Just then, CHRIS remembered there was another crew member who wasn’t present at the meeting! That white suit. Those sussy white paws! Why, he saw him snickering then. But it was too late.
RED/PRATT
Wait!
NARRATOR (VOICEOVER)
They did not wait.
CREW (COLLECTIVELY)
Hasta la vista, pal!
Red text beams across the ship, revealing CHRIS’s innocence. DIESEL takes off the sunglasses he was wearing underneath the suit.
YELLOW
No way . . .
Elsewhere, a WHITE suited astronaut cackled in the distance. Finally, they would have their star moment. All these years of being the school’s mascot and now they were the universe’s star.
WHITE/McFOGG
It’s time for the endgame. Welcome to the McFogg Multiverse (MFM.)
