By: Sara Brinkac, Humour Editor
1. Send it with a carrier raven
Listen, I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t they mean carrier pigeon?” Get real, kid. Pigeons are so passé. The last thing you want to do is send your best friend a fucking carrier pigeon. You may be sending a note of love but the only message they’ll receive is a total lack of class, care, or attention to nuance.
2. Announce it on the radio
Now for this one to work, your friend will actually need to listen to the radio. To ensure this happens, we recommend buying them a boombox and insisting they take it with them everywhere they go. Really convince them it’s crucial to their identity and that “we don’t see enough people with boomboxes anymore.” After about eight months of this, you’re good to call up the station.
3. Declare it in a song
Songs are a classic method of love expression and a great way to show your comrade you care. But it’s understandable if you are having trouble composing a love song for your friend. For help with this we suggest studying the work of the greatest love poet our generation has produced: Carly Rae Jepson.
4. Post it on your story
You know the age old saying: “pics or it didn’t happen.” If you really care about your friend, your pal, your confidant, if you really want to thank them for being a friend, you’ll make it IG official. That means a minimum of five zany photos of you and your bestie with individual songs and careful text placement.
5. Write it in the sky
Some may say it would be wise to hire a skywriter for this task. But if you really want to show your friend you care, you’ll do it yourself. Some may also say it would be wise to obtain a skywriting certification. But some people are wrong. What better way to express love than by breaking many laws and safety restrictions at once?
6. Graffiti it on a bathroom stall
Everyone knows the most official declaration of all is that which is written on a bathroom stall. Fun fact: no notary is necessary for any bathroom stall statement and information on bathroom stalls are considered the most sound form of evidence in legal systems across the globe. So, really make it official with your bestie and carve your love onto a bathroom stall for all the defecators out there to see.
7. Publish it in a student newspaper
I love you, Sofia.
8. Express it through an interpretive dance
The movement of the human form is beautiful and so is your love for your homie. Sit them down in a dim room, gently put on a song that expresses love in its purest form — ideally one by Carly Rae Jepson — and let your body be a vessel for the sweet melodies. Just you and them. Sharing space. Sharing fate.
9. Pass it through a note in class
You know what we’ve really let die in our modern society? The delicate art of note passing. It is strongly encouraged you use your love as a means to revive this system of communication. To really make this work, you need to sit the farthest possible distance away from your friend. Really make people in the class work to elude the professor and express your admiration.
10. Text it to them right now
Go ahead, pick up your phone and send a loving message their way — it’s easy. You’ve got the spare time and it will absolutely brighten their day.
