By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor and cosmological animal whisperer

ARIES: 

How does it feel to always be first on every single horoscope? Everyone looks at your horoscope and you don’t have to waste any time searching for your sign. Just like the majestic raccoon, you love to get all the attention and will combust if anyone ignores you for a second. 

TAURUS:

Similar to the hardy squirrel, you like to hoard snacks for long periods of time. Instead of collecting nuts though,  you just keep stuffing your pockets with as much dried cereal as you can find in the Dining Halls. But as the squirrel’s stowed nut grows into a beautiful tree, so does your stash change with the splendor of time — into mold. It’s mold. You nasty. 

GEMINI:

Fuck off, Gemini you don’t get an animal this week.

CANCER:

This week you’re feeling a little bit needier than usual, just like the seagull that follows me around on campus. I dropped a piece of my poké one time — please — leave me alone.

LEO:

Did you know you’re not allowed to have pets in your dorm? Well Leo, you’re the cat someone thought was a good idea to smuggle in anyway. Online learning has you feeling like a Burmese trapped in a 5×5 room and that’s why you’ve been literally clawing at the walls lately. Also — your room totally smells like a litterbox. Do your laundry, man. 

VIRGO:

You’re a songbird this week because you bring music into people’s lives. Not good music though. Just because there are pianos all across campus does not mean you need to play them. 

LIBRA:

Just like bedbugs, you’ve been hopping between beds every night since the semester started. We’re in a pandemic for god’s sake, keep it in your pants and a minimum distance of six feet away.

SCORPIO:

Scorpions and snakes go great together, so this week I am assigning you the snake. There are no snakes that live on campus, you say? Well just walk into any business class and you’ll find plenty (I recognize this is a cheap shot Beedie students and I don’t apologize).

SAGITTARIUS:

Did you ever wonder why there are bird stickers on all the windows on SFU Burnaby? That’s to prevent the chickadees from flying into windows. This week you are that humble chickadee, and just as that chickadee cannot see windows, you cannot (or refuse to) see the red flags in your 3:00 a.m. Tinder match.

CAPRICORN:

You’re a rat this week, Capricorn. But not just any rat, specifically that one rat that was found in the UBC Dining Hall. All you wanted was some love, attention, and a little snack. But instead, the video of you being flung across the room with a pair of tongs is all over the news. Don’t worry, SFU will welcome you in with all the other rejected rats we have. 

AQUARIUS:

There’s this one dog that walks around campus holding a stuffed animal in its mouth while it walks. Just like that one dog, you light up the room when you walk in. But don’t let all that attention get to your head, you haven’t got much else working for you up there. 

PISCES:

You may think you’re the goldfish from the AQ pond this week because you’re the fish sign, and you’re partly right. But it’s important to note that you’re not the actual goldfish from the AQ pond, instead, you’re the (now soggy) goldfish cracker I dropped into it running away from that fucking seagull.