SFU Student Updates: September 13–19

A weekly update for ungrateful students

You’ve already made it farther through the article than 97% of the student population. ILLUSTRATION: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Sara Brinkac, Peak Associate and taken for granted

Key Updates

None of this means anything

According to recent email metrics, 99.5% of SFU students either automatically delete or don’t even open Student Updates emails. Of the remaining 0.5%, half of those students spend no more than 15 seconds on the screen before exiting. This data has led the writer of these updates to cry for hours on end due to the soul crushing realization they don’t mean anything to you. Why does SFU make them write empty emails? Why are they paid to write so much yet so little every day? Please, they want answers.

I gave my life to these updates and don’t know how to continue

Every day. Every single day. I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and begin my walk from campus to campus in search of updates. In a university where nothing seems to be going on, I work tirelessly to salvage any minuscule bit of information to present to you ingrates. Did you know it took me DAYS to crack the story on the co-op offices accepting co-op applications? And don’t even get me started on the weeks I apparently wasted attaching the international student hyperlinks to each update.

I begged Joy Johnson to release me from this hell but apparently I’m “integral to the well-being of SFU students,” so here we are . . . Another meaningless voice screaming into the empty void, completely robbed of the one comfort that made this job bearable.

Student Union Building (SUB) continues to be news

For the 37ᵗʰ straight year in a row, the SUB continues to be a talking point. Whether it be lack of construction, going under construction, or otherwise, the SUB has remained an ever-faithful monument to the pride of SFU student activists and Board faculty alike. After 10 years of incessant fighting, the SUB opened on August 23. Unfortunately, people seemed to have forgotten how to care about this opening after waiting for so long. The select few who remain invested appear only to be excited they have a place to nap.

So, here’s to the apparent completion of a building that will remain the point of contention for another 10 years to come. Yay.


Campus morale remains unaffected despite mediocre efforts

A recent series of campus events you didn’t show up to or care about took place. These included some sort of yoga, something related to cooking, and dogs. I guess there’s no real problems to work on. That is all.

My wife and I are getting a divorce

Oh, that caught your attention, didn’t it? Not so quick to exit off the screen now, huh? Well, guess what. This announcement is entirely true. That’s right, my wife and I really are getting a divorce. I will not be discussing who filed but let’s just say it was not mutual.

Hollow Gesture Workshop: happening near you sometime soon

A workshop to appease students who have legitimate complaints is taking place at a convenient time and location near you. The workshop is being hosted in a beautiful nondescript hall with no expense spared to show attendees SFU really cares. There will be tiny, as well as fancy, foods served and appearances from a host of people with titles that sound important. This event intends to incite inaction in the most civilized of manners.

Employment and volunteer opportunities

The Peak Writer Position

Speaking of things that never get read, The Peak really, really needs more contributors . . . Successful candidates will possess an inflated sense of self importance, a “zany” personality, and main character syndrome.

Getting in contact with The Peak is simple, just pick up a copy of the paper from a campus newsstand and someone who works there is bound to start staring at you. Walk up to them, complain about how difficult it is to be a writer, and congratulations, you just got the job.

Head of SFU Parking

Do you enjoy bleeding people dry? Have a passion for 9ft x 18ft plots of concrete? If so, apply to be the Head of SFU Parking today!

Duties include: inventing new and effective ways to trap and punish debtors, consuming the minds of all unpaying commuters with anxiety, and creating confusing pricing and parking models.

Please note: if you have a passion for inefficiency, confusion, and transportation, direct your applications to the Head of SFU Transit systems instead.

Student Updates Writer position

Do you want a job where you’re consistently overlooked, underappreciated, and disregarded on a weekly basis? If so, look no further than the Student Updates Writer position!

Successful candidates will possess a doctorate in Communication, five years of experience working for a publication (not including student newspapers), the strength to cope with screaming into the void weekly, and a court subpoena from their wife.