Dear Peakie: Toddlers, takeout, and terrible fates

An SFU advice column by sad students, for sad students

PHOTO: Kyla Dowling / The Peak

By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer

Dear Peakie,

This pandemic has allowed me to really embrace my introvertedness. Not having to interact with anyone outside of my house most days has been very comfortable but I’m worried my social skills are irreparably damaged. Do you have any advice on how to slowly wade back into the world of socialization?

Sincerely,

Lonli Bitchell

Dear Lonli Bitchell, 

The best advice I can give you is this: take baby steps. And I mean literal baby steps. Find your way to your nearest daycare and, in the least-creepy way, have a conversation with some six-month-olds. You’ll find that their vocabulary of “hungry!” and “waaaah” is eerily similar to your speaking style during quarantine. 

Once you’ve struck up a good conversation there, move onto toddlers. They can fully form sentences and there’s no better socialization practice than playing “Mommy and Baby” in which you are Baby and they are Mommy and they forcibly shove you into a corner while they snort Pixy Stix. This will prepare you for anything. I mean anything.

Love, Peakie

~

Dear Peakie, 

How do you get out of bed in the morning?

 – Snooz Dogg

Dear Snooz Dogg, 

Of course! As an extraordinary advice-giver at The Peak and a bonafide influencer™ (yes I have 50 followers on Twitter, no I will not be signing autographs), I know a lot about staying motivated and productive. Your first step, of course, is to own a bed. Your next step is to get all comfy in said bed, so you have something to look forward to after you rise and grind. Then, you’re going to want to master meal prep like me to start your day right. I UberEats whenever I need food. And no, I don’t get out of bed to get the food. 

That’s right! I’m this successful despite never moving from bed. I simply seduce the UberEats drivers into hand-delivering my six chicken McNuggets every evening. One of them, Cecil, has actually stuck around for a few days now. He’s like a cat, if a cat sleeps in the bathtub and throws out your empty takeout containers in exchange for the year-old peanut butter jar in your pantry. So yeah. Don’t get out of bed. I’m sure Cecil has a friend I can set you up with.

Love, 

Peakie 

~

Dear Peakie,

I’m becoming increasingly overwhelmed with this main character role I’ve been assigned. I feel exhausted with all of these character development arcs and general sexiness of which I am in charge. Please help. 

Sincerely yours, Protagonist-chan

Dear Protagonist-chan, 

Wait— protagonist-chan? Am I speaking to a weeb? Of course I am— what else do SFU students do besides watch decades-old anime via Discord and cry? 

Anyways, let’s look at your allegedly sexy main character-ness through an anime lens. According to my research, the vast majority of anime protagonists lead miserable lives (that has to be true for you, given that you go to this school) in which they lose things such as their families, their powers, and sometimes their memories in a weird Riverdale-ish twist. (At least they don’t talk about the epic highs and lows of high school football). Additionally, anime protagonists tend to die in the end. So don’t worry a bit! You’ll either ask a class of children to kill you or you’ll go on a murder spree because you think you’re God and then suffer the consequences. Either way, there’s no character development after you kick the bucket . . .  unless you’re the protagonist of Angel Beats. Have fun in perpetual afterlife SFU. 

Love,

Peakie

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