SFUnexplained: All of these email redirections condition us for long degrees

Ever wonder why everything takes so long at SFU?

PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Emma Jean, Staff Writer

Doesn’t it seem fishy that it takes three-login attempts to see your SFU mail? Unless you’re a tinfoil beret-wearing big brain like me, any normie that uses a cookie-collecting browser tends to spend five minutes getting redirected through a host of websites and portals any time they want to use an SFU web service. 

Students don’t rise up against the tyranny of technological negligence unless they have truly impressive will-power. Instead, they take a drag of SFU’s chemtrails and accept that they will be five minutes late to each Zoom instead of accounting for that extra login time and showing up early (another form of acceptance). SFU stands for Sheep Fools University. Fools.

Just think: the first time you logged in, it felt like such a pain in the ass. You may have thought that surely, there’s a way to see my silly little emails in three clicks or less, but SFUMail has other plans. An honest mistake, but isn’t there a way to fix it after every student experiences it? SFU is sending people to the moon but working around generic browser cookies proves to be just too much. 

You know what else takes 15 years to get done? Every building on each campus. The legend of the Student Union Building is not only an endurance test to keep some kind of faith in SFU’s ability to do anything, it’s also a coverup. It’s almost as if they’re getting us used to disappointment. If we’re okay with spending 10 minutes trying to find out when we have to pay them again, we’ll be okay with spending six years getting a degree that could take three. 

Does this sound familiar to you? If you would stop sleeping through life like I sleep through lectures, you’d have noticed the curious phenomenon that it takes a fuckton of time to graduate from SFU. The excuses for why vary: an advisor forgot about a course, degree requirements changed, the renaming of the 95 B-line to [REDACTED] left unrecoverable emotional damage that set you back a year. Regardless, there’s always some reason that these programs take longer to complete than expected, but somehow we just know to accept that as part of the process. Now, where have we seen that before? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

How does SFU benefit from all of these? Easy. They get to cut costs with IT fixes to invest in their true passion: announcing projects that will be built by the time X Æ A-12 Musk is sworn in as Emperor of the Galactic Regime. They’ll profit from all those extra semesters spent telling students it would be their last one. SFU sets the bar lower and lower each year, and we just keep cha-cha-ing under it. When it comes to any hopes of the changes we’re counting on, it’s time to make like a sheep and say bahhhh-bye with a degree in hand. Err, hoof? You know what I mean.

If you’re sick and tired of SFU’s scam’s, you can . . . flip off the red loading screen on your computer when it redirects you for the eighth time? Struggle not to throw your phone into the ocean when an advisor tells you yet another requirement has been added to your degree? Dig yourself into a deep whole of denial and pretend that the SFU stadium has existed this whole time? I don’t know, pal— there’s really not much to be done. But at least you know you’re not a sheep anymore?