Four things that would’ve protected the Capitol better than their security

My neighbour’s chihuahua wouldn’t have taken selfies with the terrorists, at least

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PHOTO: Louis Velazquez / Unsplash

By: Alex Masse, Staff Writer

Okay, so, the whole Capitol coup happened, right? And the officers supposedly protecting the place kind of . . . didn’t. They did take some selfies with the largely unmasked hoarde and let the place get destroyed with little action, though. I feel safer already!

With that terror residing in the back of your mind, here are five alternatives that most certainly would have done a better job defending this governmental building.

  1. The Chihuahua Next Door 

My neighbours have a chihuahua and it means business

How do I know this? Well, I hear it every time I walk past their house. It’s come at me a few times. Someone leaves the gate open, and it careens out into the street, screaming at the top of its tiny lungs, because barking isn’t enough. It’s also broken into our yard. Twice. We have to coax it out, which is easier said than done, because it’s a chihuahua. 

All it knows is rage. You can run at it, it’ll keep barking. It lives for the thrill. No one will ever get past it.

“No” isn’t a word it knows. “Stop” isn’t a word it knows. “Please dammit if I have to watch you get hit by a car I’ll never forgive myself” isn’t a phrase it even somewhat registers. And sure, it doesn’t know a lot about American politics, but that doesn’t seem to be a prerequisite for being in or near the Capitol any time, anyway.

2. My Long-Dead Tamagotchi 

Tamagotchis. If you were cool, you had one. If you were really cool, you had several. If you’re super cool(?) but also super nostalgic and have a hard time letting go of material possessions, you probably still have one kicking around. Anyways, mine has pink stripes. 

What if I told you it could be a tool for fighting Trump supporters? 

I mean, think about it. The Tamagotchi is a symbol of everything these people hate: it was created outside of America, it’s from after 1995, and to win you have to care about a living creature besides yourself. Simply by existing within their proximity, it’s going to send these wannabe revolutionaries spiralling. 

And if all else fails, it makes a kickass projectile. 

3. Literally Any Girl With A Selfie Stick 

This one’s great, because it’s more about the aftermath. 

In the moment, nothing attracts these violent people more than potential attention. I mean, look at them. They were streaming, they were taking selfies, they were updating their stories left and right. So, like, they’ll take a selfie opportunity. Of course they will. 

So, here’s the kicker: share your selfies and start asking if anyone knows their faces. It shouldn’t be that hard, because it’s not like any of them are wearing masks. The Venn diagram between Capitol Trumpies and COVID-19 deniers is basically a circle at this point — specifically the circle in the centre of the biohazard symbol. 

4. Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter 

I know what you’re thinking: “Buddy, that’s a guy who can’t even get his website to ban Nazis.” 

And, sure, Twitter is home to folks who fit barrels of vitriol into 280 characters at most. If there was some sort of a Nobel Unrest Prize for someone who innovated new ways to sow chaos, Jack Dorsey would get it for unleashing Twitter upon the world. Just look at K-pop stans.

But also, they did ban the guy that many bigots worship. Big Boy Bigot. King Bigot, if you will. Dorsey more or less exiled the former President of the United States from his digital kingdom. You know, the then-president of the country he lives in. His platform did that. 

Do I still think most people could grab him by his scraggly quarantine beard and throw him a good few feet? Yeah, I do. But I also know that Trump supporters see this man as the slayer of their god. Put him in front of the Capitol and nobody’s getting through. They’ll stop to scream profanities at him and get tired.