Your weekly SFU horoscopes: May 25–31

By: Paige Riding, News Writer

Aries: You’re en route to make a better comeback than all the ice cream trucks randomly reappearing. Like a phoenix, you continue rising from the ashes. But why did you set that ice cream truck and yourself on fire in the first place?

Taurus: The idiom “benefit of the doubt” has a greater meaning to you this week. You’ll doubt everything around you — the government, the weird celebrities making singing compilations about sticking together while quarantined in their multi-million dollar mansions, and whether or not your family can smell your fourth-day hair.

Gemini: It must be hard for you now that the transit system has limited its services. No, not because getting around may be harder. You just depended on the Compass part of the Compass Card to guide your confused ass through life.

Cancer: Get in touch with nature this week. Go for a walk around your neighbourhood, taking photos of the cats watching out the window. If that doesn’t spark inspiration, consider keeping your door open to let the bears inside your home and heart.

Leo: Did you know that a method to fight off tears is to perform mathematical equations mentally? It takes up much of your mental capacities so your brain is too distracted. Try that next time the professor responds to your answer over Zoom with, “Hmm, not quite. Anyone else?”

Virgo: Listening to “lofi hip hop radio – beats to relax/study to,” opening your textbook, and then going on your phone is not studying. You also don’t need to send a photo of the corner of your laptop and textbook to your friends and say that this semester is already killing you. The only thing dying here is your phone’s battery.

Libra: This week poses challenges for your relationships now that Venus is moving into retrograde. Basically, the planet of love is— Oh, look at you ignoring this conversation because it doesn’t line up with your interests again. Will the planet moving backwards harm your relationships, or will that mentality do it for you?

Scorpio: How has it been chasing that same feeling of bliss as what you would feel when your elementary school science teacher would wheel in the TV for the class? It’s hard thinking about simpler times. Mind you, it’s also hard seeing all the fun things Bill Nye the Science Guy talked about now written formally in a $300 textbook.

Sagittarius: Here’s some comforting news for you this week. You’ll finally catch the attention of the neighbourhood cutie. It’ll be when you run through the fence when you finally get sick of being confined for too long. But mind the rose bushes.

Capricorn: For the hundredth time, Yoda said “do or do not, there is no try” not “do or do not, or just cry.” You’re getting your tears all over your already wrinkled sweatpants. And these are part of your nice quarantine fit! Come on.

Aquarius: This week, if you find yourself having trouble falling asleep, try heading to YouTube and playing the first video that pops up. Whether it’s calming ocean waves or a Final Fantasy VII Remake walkthrough, you’ll be too busy really listening to your own internal screaming to pay much attention.

Pisces: This is a week of learning more about yourself. For starters, try recalling your old internet username. There’s truly something poetic and self-realizing about ~dreamlaughdance98~ and the history the two of you share.

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