Written by Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: Is that special someone (who isn’t actually that special, but you’re acting like they are) not responding again? They say you either get bitter or you get better. So, how will you handle it? Perhaps a revisit to that diary from your youth. You can write your frustrations in right after your recollection of a field trip to Science World.
Taurus: If you keep counting all the magnets on your fridge like that, your eyes will burst out of your head. Take some time to count all the rotten fruit you have left in there, too. At least then you’re being mindful of something deeper.
Gemini: If you’re bummed that weddings keep being postponed, just think of all the divorces that may be avoided in the future. You’re the last person who should complain about people changing their minds about big life decisions, anyway.
Cancer: Keep waiting around for signs to get moving, and the thing you’re chasing will move on without you. Take a breath and get on with it like the rest of us. Then you can keep coming back to this one accomplishment in your mind for months to come. Business as usual.
Leo: Have you heard? Stephanie Meyer is releasing a new book in the Twilight series. It’s the same story, just from the perspective of Edward. I figured you might care because you also love retelling stories with a new main character — in your case, yourself.
Virgo: You can keep cleaning and cleaning everything around you. It won’t clean up your greatest flaw: that previous obsession with the Percy Jackson or Harry Potter series that still lives on your bookshelf. And if you think you’ve moved on from living in imaginary worlds, you’re sorely mistaken.
Libra: Not sure if you knew, but the average length of a shower is 8.2 minutes. Keep that in mind each time you check that “read: 13w ago” under your message to that person that said they were just going to shower.
Scorpio: As the idiom goes, you just need to bite the bullet. No, not that one. That one has too many carbohydrates. THAT one doesn’t have enough protein. No, no, that one tastes expired . . . Well, as per usual, you’ll figure out this problem with a different idiom. Try your favourite: hitting the sack. Sure beats facing your problem.
Sagittarius: You’re like a cowbell in a song. Some love you, some really love you, and some wish you didn’t exist. The main thing to remember this week is that one way or another, you distract from the autotune, therefore serving a purpose higher than your metallic self. So keep being loud and obnoxious, I guess.
Capricorn: Grimes and Elon Musk put as much effort into naming their child, X Æ A-12, as you did writing that paper last semester. Sure, it was a unique perspective, but no one knew what the fuck you were talking about. Did you even know what you were talking about?
Aquarius: At this point, you should make like Uniqlo and charge extra to those who don’t fit your obnoxious standards. Hemming pants is one thing; ghosting someone who couldn’t be bothered to keep trying after the first three texts you ignored is another.
Pisces: With scorpions replacing tarantulas in Animal Crossing: New Horizons, you have the opportunity to increase your museum’s collection. At the same time, keep in mind that these bugs are just as dangerous, and it is much too easy to hurt you (it’s happened before).