Written by Zoe Vedova, Peak Associate

From gutting public school sex education classes to threatening to decrease access to abortions, our sexual health is constantly being policed by the government. Let’s turn the lens back on the institution that’s put us in this position. Answer these bureaucratically afflicted questions to figure out to which federally controlled genetic roadblock you are intrinsically connected.

1. 1. Which do you consider the greatest political mistake?
      A) The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand
      B) British Columbia’s confusingly worded 2018 electoral referendum ballot
      C) Napoleon Bonaparte’s decision to invade Russia during the winter of 1812
      D) Julius Caesar trusting way too many friends 
   2. How do you choose who to vote for?
      A) Whichever party gives me the most free swag on campus
      B) I do meticulous research, watch the debates, introspectively evaluate my beliefs, and then panic and vote for the party I’ve always voted for 
      C) I accidentally voted for the Libertarians because I thought that was the Latin spelling of Liberals
      D) Communist
   3. Which one of these men has been a Canadian prime minister?
      A) William Michael Brown
      B) Gregory Pincus
      C) Brian Mulroney
      D) None of the above
   4. Should the legal age to vote be lowered?
      A) Absolutely! The more people accessing the freedom of democracy, the better
      B) Absolutely not! The fate of a country’s political future is way too big a responsibility
      C) If a younger person wants a vote, they can just use my ballot — I almost never remember to go
      D) I don’t care. It’s not like our choices are that great anyway
   5. Will you commit high treason?
      A) Listen, I may have assisted an enemy state, but I was having so much fun at their house party
      B) Yeah, I’ve been planning on it for months, and now that Harry and Meghan are moving here, it’s never been easier
      C) Bro, smoking weed is legal now
      D) I could commit high treason . . . as a treat
   6. How did you find out about the 2019 Canadian federal election results?
      A) John Oliver didn’t do a segment on it, so I didn’t know it was happening
      B) The CBC
      C) I got drunk for the sole purpose of NOT finding out who won that night
      D) I literally haven’t processed the 2016 American election yet; you can’t expect me to keep track of Canada too
   7. Scariest political figure in Canada?
      A) Still Stephen Harper . . . always Stephen Harper
      B) Andrew Scheer
      C) Every individual with political alignments based on unexamined biases and dogmas
      D) The ghost of William Lyon Mackenzie King that haunts me all afternoon
   8. When will the government collapse?
      A) With my help, any day now
      B) I won’t let it collapse until we get our first elected female prime minister
      C) It’s going to naturally happen no matter what we do. I’m content to wait it out 
      D) The SFSS hasn’t collapsed yet?

If you got mostly As – Condom 

You’re unabashedly confident enough to be yourself at all times. You’ll talk to anyone, go anywhere, and are always down to make a quick joke to break tension. Unfortunately, your authentic self is so well socialized that you’ve gotten comfortable only ever putting in 80% effort into all activities. That missing 20% can have some seriously intense consequences if left unaccounted.

If you got mostly Bs – The Pill

While your ideal world would be filled with bullet journals, meal plans, and five-year goals, you’re distinctly aware that having every day mapped out is incredibly unsustainable. You know what you believe, even if you’re not entirely certain what the long-term ramifications of these beliefs will be. Thankfully, you’ve managed to strike a balance with the chaos of life, and for the time being, you’re committed to it. 

If you got mostly Cs – The Pull-Out Method

This should be a real wake-up call for you. 

You need to take some responsibility over your existence before your negligence starts a new one.  

If you got mostly Ds – Abstinence

You’re not just abstinent from sex — you’re abstinent from everything. There’s no freer spirit than the one who truly doesn’t give a fuck, staying out of everyone’s sordid business. The entire world might be ripping itself apart, but as long as no one drags you into their drama, you’re content not dragging anyone into yours. Well, besides the fact that you do have the ghost of Canada’s tenth prime minister to deal with. Ironic that the guy who talked to ghosts has become one.